And The Feeling You Leave Me With
by shadowparrade
Summary: Castiel and Dean are both drug addicts, who happen to find each other in a local park. They become friends quickly, and soon enough, Dean's convinced Castiel that they need to live out in the woods together. However, Castiel isn't expecting to develop feelings for the other man-and he definitely isn't expecting what the end of their friendship leads to.
1. Chapter One

Castiel had never really liked being social, honestly. He was okay with it, but never really _enjoyed_ it, you know? He did his best to be polite when he could, tried not to slip up and say those sarcastic comments that always popped into his mind. He was a generally friendly person, most people would say, and he liked that people thought that about him. It felt good to know people liked you, you know?

Considering who he was, it was good to have people on your side. Willing to help you out when you needed it, give you a place to stay, all of that nice stuff. He himself couldn't offer anything along those lines to anyone else. You see, Castiel didn't live in a specific place, didn't have much of his own, didn't do a whole lot with his life. He had planned on doing big things, changing the world, figuring out things that people had been wondering about for centuries. He wanted to answer life's questions, to be able to be asked any question and to have an answer, you know? It would be cool, to always have an answer for someone.

When he was younger, his older brother, Gabriel, used to take him outside and just lay with him in the grass. They didn't talk, didn't move, just laid there in silence and stared up at the sky, watching the clouds roll through the sky or the stars shine down on them. It had always fascinated him, the sky. All of space. Gabriel had never been the best of brothers, honestly, but he'd given him that. Castiel had went through school with that interest in space, even went on to college to get a degree for at least _something_ space related. But he'd failed to get into anywhere. Every school he applied to turned him down, and he decided, _Well, I suppose I'm not cut out for it anyway._

Today was a day like any other, Castiel was wearing his black hoodie and his jeans, walking around in some local park. It was a nice place, really, with an abundance of green and colorful flowers, then off to one side there were things for children, like a swingset and such. Occasionally, he went over there and got on one of the swings, but that was rare. It was only if there was no one over there, and typically? That part of the park was packed. He stuck around the other side, sitting on the benches or leaning against trees. Today he was sitting down, leaned against a tree, a headache piercing his mind and smoke blowing out through his nose. He figured that smoking probably didn't help his headache, but in a way, it did. It helped him to smoke when he was stressed, and god was he stressed right now. He'd just had a _really_ bad trip and let me tell you, it had not been pleasant. He'd stumbled all over the place, couldn't see a freaking thing, was sweating and shaking like crazy, and somehow he'd found himself here. It was okay, though, he'd had worse trips before and he could get through this.

But goddamn it didn't feel like it when his head was pounding like this. He was sitting in the shade, his eyes shut, but he still felt the need for more darkness. He could barely concentrate on anything-which, actually, that wasn't a new thing, but it was still annoying as hell. After taking another long drag of his cigarette, he pulled off his hoodie, releasing the air in his lungs after he did so. He draped the hoodie over his head, the slight increase of darkness helping a bit, but not that much. Whatever, he'd take what he could get. Castiel breathed out a quiet sigh, and after putting out his cigarette, tossed it away with a flick of his wrist. He reached into his pocket, pulling out his box of cigarettes, but alas, it was empty, he found once he opened his eyes. He closed them immediately afterwards, crushing the box in his hand. A shocked gasp escaped him when he felt something drop on his leg, hand going to pull the hoodie off of his head.

He was greeted by the sight of a new, unopened box of cigarettes on his leg, just laying there for him to open and smoke. God, it was his favorite kind, too. Turning his head up, his gaze fell on a man-and holy shit, that's what he looked like. The dark circles under his eyes made him appear as though he hadn't slept for days, and just looked generally.. bad. His dirty blonde hair was greasy and dirty, looked a bit like it was longer than the man wanted. The same went for his slight beard-it looked like he just hadn't had the time to clean up, like he'd typically be the kind of guy to be clean shaven and have his hair all nice and gelled up. His brilliant green eyes were locked on Castiel, a smirk pulling at his lips. He had piercings-well, only snake bites, but Castiel had always thought those looked cool. Himself, well he only had an eyebrow piercing.

The man's smirk only seemed to grow wider when he noticed that Castiel was staring at him, his eyebrow raising as if in question.

"Hello, stranger. Don't mind me, continue doing.. whatever it was you were doing." The man made a shooing motion, pointedly looking to the cigarettes, as if telling him to smoke. Castiel was thoroughly confused about this, and well he wanted to question the man, but his urge to smoke overpowered the urge to question. So, he did as asked, opening the box of cigarettes and proceeding to take out his lighter, lighting a cigarette before putting it between his lips. He inhaled slowly and deeply, eyes fluttering closed as he did so even though he typically kept an eye on strangers. Whatever, he had the strange feeling that he could trust this guy.

After a few minutes, he did speak up.

"So.. what's up with you? Got a watching-people-smoke fetish?" He inquired, opening his eyes once more to look over at the man, who let out a little chuckle.

"No, no. You just looked a bit lonely under that jacket of yours, and I saw that you were out of cigarettes. So, being the charming fellow that I am, I decided to step in and give you some."

"Alrighty then."

Castiel finished off the cigarette, proceeding to stand and pull his hoodie back on before moving over to hold out his hand towards the other man. The box of cigarettes was in his pocket, because hey, he wasn't going to ask this guy to take them back. "I'm Castiel."

"Dean." The man, or Dean, he supposed, flashed him a smile, taking Castiel's hand to give it a little shake. Castiel gave a nod, deciding that yeah, that name suited this guy.

"Well, uh, Dean, thanks for the uh, cigarettes. I'll see you around. I'd recommend getting a shower sometime though." This of course just caused Dean to outright laugh, the corners of his eyes crinkling in a way that made him just appear... friendly. Castiel couldn't help but smile a little at the sight. After that he left, the headache still causing his head to feel like it was exploding, but he made it through, like he knew he would.


	2. Chapter Two

He didn't see Dean again for a while, really his life just continued on as normal. Staying with people at night, walking around during the day. He didn't spiral down into depression, his drug addiction didn't get any worse, he figured it had been a pretty good week. No particularly bad trips or anything, either, which he was extremely grateful for, as well as not as many headaches. Honestly, he should see a doctor about them, but would he? No.

He was sitting in a little diner when he saw Dean again. Castiel was sitting at a little table, looking over the menu though he knew that he didn't have much money to spend on food. Most of it was spent on more drugs, which, he was okay with that, but it'd be nice to get a good meal every now and then. He got the money from basically selling himself, but he was alright with that too. He was okay with his life now, he got through every day and he didn't get any worse, he just.. floated through life, really. And it was alright.

Castiel's eyes flicked over the menu, deep blue gaze scanning over the different foods. He skipped over most of them, though, remaining on the ones like the salads, the sides, things like that. He didn't.. well, he was a vegetarian. Maybe it was strange for him to be, but he liked it. It wasn't because he particularly loved animals or hated plants or shit like that, it just made him feel better in general, gave him more energy. And if he had enough money to, he would have bought the garden salad, because damn.

He looked up upon hearing a loud shout, watching as Dean was pushed by what looked to be a security guard of some sort out of the building. This, of course, captured his interest, so after raising an eyebrow and staring after them in confusion, he stood, walking outside to follow the man. He'd pretty much forgotten about him, but one look at him told him that yeah, it was the man who had given him those cigarettes in the park. He still looked like he hadn't slept or had a shower in days, and honestly he looked worse. Dean stumbled down onto the ground, catching himself with his arms and groaning when a sharp rock cut his arm.

Castiel walked over, bending down to help the other man up. Dean brushed himself off once he was up, starting to speak before he tried to see who had helped him.

"Listen, man, I don't want any trouble, I just-Oh, Castiel! Hello stranger." His solemn expression had changed to one of surprise and even a bit of excitement when he'd looked up and found that it was Castiel, which he took to be a good thing.

"Yes, hello, Dean, are you alright?"

"What? Oh, yeah, I'm good. Just a scratch." He pointed to the cut on his arm with a little smile, which of course Castiel raised an eyebrow at the other man for.

"That's not what I mean." He looked over to the diner, looking back to Dean to notice his expression fall slightly. "Oh, uh, that."

Dean gave a little shrug, moving slightly away as he'd still been quite close to Castiel.

"Well, I'm not very popular with them, we'll say. What are you doing here?"

Castiel was not pleased with how the conversation was turned to himself so suddenly, but whatever.

"I was just.. walking around. I wanted to see what it was like in there." Dean gave a nod, beginning to walk out to the sidewalk and motioning for Castiel to follow.

"It's a pretty nice place, I suppose. Not nearly as bad as some of the crap places around here."

"It doesn't smell like ass, either, so that's a plus."

The green eyed man's chuckle filled the air again, and Castiel was pleased to know that he'd made him chuckle again. It was a pleasant sound, really, and he wouldn't mind hearing it more often.

"So what's your deal, Cas?"

It took him a moment to realize that Dean was indeed talking about him again, because well, only Gabriel had ever given him nicknames. And most of the time they hadn't been very nice at all. Cas, though, he liked that-it was short, simple, more like a normal name than Castiel.

"Well. I guess.. uh, I just kind of.. walk around. And you?"

"Me? I do all sorts of things. Walk around, run around, oh-sometimes I even sit down. There's occasional laying down, too. Very rare jogging around." Okay, so even Castiel couldn't help but laugh slightly at that. He liked this guy, okay? And maybe it wasn't even that funny of a thing to say, but honestly? He liked pretty much any kind of humor there was, even if it was cheesy and overused as hell. Dean seemed pleased with his laughter, turning his head to grin at him.

"Do you have a place to stay, Cas?" That question surprised him a bit, causing him to look over at the other man suspiciously.

"..No, and I'm assuming that you don't either, judging by the state of your hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

Castiel looked over at him with an almost blank expression, but there was an overall sassiness to the expression.

"What _isn't_ wrong with your hair? It's greasy as the pizza from that shitty place down the road."

"Bobby's?"

"Yeah, that. I went there when I was like fourteen and tried to eat a piece of pizza but was greeted with a face full of grease." Dean was obviously amused by this, giggling over there to himself as they walked. Castiel narrowed his eyes at the other man.

"What is it?"

"Oh, nothing. Just that Bobby's is pretty much my favorite place." Oh. Well. Castiel felt like a total asshole now. A pink tinge colored his cheeks, and he opened his mouth to reply, but was stopped by Dean's voice instead.

"Not really, you assjack. Bobby's just my uncle, the pizza there is total shit 'cause he burned off all of his tastebuds."


	3. Chapter Three

The two had walked around the entire town together, simply chatting and the like. They'd stopped and sat at a bench for a few minutes to smoke, and it was just a good time in general. He really liked being around Dean, even if he smelled like a dead fish and resembled one a bit as well. Cleaned up he'd look like a damn model, Castiel was sure, but until he got there? Nope.

Anyway, they'd started hanging out quite a bit over the past two weeks. One day, while they were out at the park sitting at their usual bench, Dean had turned to Castiel and asked a rather surprising question, like normal.

"Hey, Cas."

"Mhmm?" Castiel turned his head to meet Dean's green gaze with his own blue, a cigarette in one hand.

"We should live together. Like, we should go out into the woods and find some old shack or woodshed or something, and just live in it."

Castiel had sat in stunned silence for a few minutes, but when his cigarette was finished off, he gave a slow nod, gaze a little distant, as if he was thinking it over. "..Yeah, let's do that."

So, of course, that brought them to were they were now. Out in the woods, looking for an old shack, like Dean had said. It was easier said than done, though, and after being out here for hours they still couldn't find anything suitable to live in. Nothing but trees and leaves and holes in the ground, really-"Oh, there we go. Come on, stranger."

Dean grabbed his wrist, pulling him over and through the woods and finally came to a stop once they were in front of a little building. It was obviously not a house, more like.. a storage shed really, but if no one was around here? Damn, of course he'd live in it. It'd beat having to sell himself out every night just to sleep somewhere safe. And yeah, it looked a little creepy and run down, but they could fix it up. It might be kind of hard, considering a lot of the time they were high, but it would just.. be a weird house. They were both weird anyway, it'd suit them.

They went inside after finding that the door was unlocked, and while there was a bit of equipment in there, it looked old and abandoned, like no one had been here for years. Honestly he figured that a lot of it wouldn't even work, like the lawnmower and such. They'd have to get those out of here if they decided to stay here, but it would be easy enough. Castiel looked around for any signs of people being there recently while Dean looked through all of the items in the shed, which consisted of tools and the like.

"So what do you think? Is it home-worthy?" Dean asked after a bit, walking away from the tools he'd been looking at to stand near Castiel, who was by the door.

"Well.. it definitely needs to be cleared out a bit, but it'd be fine. Small, but big enough for us, right?"

And that was how they ended up staying at the shed. They got the lawnmower and all the other now-useless equipment out one day, of course they'd both been on pretty bad trips on that day so it had taken _forever_ and been pure torture but they did it, and the shed seemed a bit bigger now, more homey. Then they'd taken all the tools off the walls and put them in a pile in a corner, because Castiel had been afraid of something falling on him and stabbing him or something. And then it was.. well, their home. They started staying there every night, and while it wasn't very comfortable laying on the floor instead of a nice bed, it was nice knowing that he finally had a set place to stay. A place to go back to every day, somewhere that he could go if he had a really bad headache that he could just lay down and block out the world. And on those days, if Dean was there, he'd do his best to remain silent and not disturb Castiel. Their friendship was wonderful, honestly, and Castiel couldn't even ask for a better friend to have than Dean.

They grew closer over the months, learning more and more about each other throughout them. You see, one night a week the two of them decided that they should have "story time." They went outside, built a little fire with small fallen branches and the like, and told each other stories from their pasts. Castiel told Dean about the times he spent with Gabriel just staring up at the night sky, about how he'd loved seeing the stars. He told him about the time he'd accidentally fallen into a toilet in high school, one time when he'd had a really weird trip and did some pretty weird things, and about various times that Gabriel had pranked him or teased him or just embarrassed him in general.

Dean told stories about his own brother, who Castiel had learned was named Sam, but Dean always called him Sammy. He told him about how he'd basically raised the kid, about one time when he'd put Sam into one of their mother's old dresses while he was sleeping once, and then when Sam awoke he'd told him he transformed into a magical princess-Sam had totally freaked out, apparently. He told him about being caught numerous times in high school making out in closets or bathrooms, about a few wild parties he'd been to, things like that. And Castiel loved hearing him tell these things. He always spoke about Sam so fondly, it was obvious how much he cared about his brother, and then with the other stories, even the ones that weren't so great, Castiel could tell that he'd come to peace with things. It was admirable, and it was one of the things that Castiel really liked about Dean.

Some days weren't the best, like when one or both of them were irritable due to the particular drug they were doing that day, but it was overall nice to live with Dean. It was just a shack, and they just slept on the floor with an old tattered blanket they'd found, but it was nice.


	4. Chapter Four

"We need to fix this place up," Castiel called, standing in the doorway and looking outside at Dean, who was sitting on the lawnmower smoking a cigarette.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, we should get a shower or something."

Dean smiled at that, but shook his head slightly anyway.

"You know we can't have an actual shower, Cas. It's a shed, and we don't even have any money to pay for the electricity or the water."

The blue eyed man frowned slightly.

"Well, we could make some sort of outside shower or something, right? Maybe not with real running water, but.." He gave a little shrug, stepping out of the shed completely and closing the door behind him. He turned his gaze to Dean again then, aware that he probably looked like a sad little puppy.

"Aw, come on, don't look at me like that. You're just like my brother. Anyway, if you really wanted to, we could like put a bucket of water on the roof, and somehow have it connected to a rope, so we could have it pour water, but.. well it wouldn't really be a shower. We could still get some shampoo and wash our hair or something though."

Ah, that was a better answer. See, he was thinking about it now. Castiel nodded slightly, the corners of his mouth curving up slightly in a smile.

"Cool. We should do that. I told you you needed a shower months ago, Dean, it's not like the dead fish smell goes away." He went right back into the house upon saying this, because he knew that Dean would just glare after him teasingly as he took a drag of his cigarette.

Inside, Castiel went about finding something to eat. They didn't have a whole lot of food, really, since they didn't have much money to buy anything and then they didn't have a refrigerator or anything to keep it good. It was okay with him, though, he usually just ate fruits that he could steal easily enough as he didn't eat meat or anything that needed to be cold anyway. Strangely, a lot of people had oranges and bananas and the like in their purses, and they kept their purses open. He just walked by them and grabbed it, because why not? Currently he had two oranges as well as an apple, and since a few knives had been among the tools they'd found here, he was cutting them up. They'd managed to get some paper plates for dirty cheap from some random guy selling them on the streets, so that was what they usually ate on, if they ate at all. He put some of the orange slices on a plate, walking out to give it to Dean as he figured he was at least a little hungry.

"Ooh, thanks, Cas." Dean commented upon being handed the plate, tossing away his cigarette to put an orange slice into his mouth. Castiel simply stood there, watching him eat the orange for a moment before going back inside. He would have given him apple slices too, but he'd learned that the other man hated apples. He loved apple pie, apparently, but actual apples? God no. Castiel himself didn't love them, but they were okay enough.

The rest of the day went by easily, with the two of them just hanging around and eating fruit slices. At around 10 pm, though, Dean stood up from where they'd been sitting on the shed floor.

"What's up?" Castiel inquired, lifting his gaze to look at Dean. He was high as fuck right now, and Dean was as well, and even so, he knew that Dean probably shouldn't be standing up right now. He stood up as well, though, ignoring the dizziness it caused and his mind that told him not to. He reached over, trying to grab Dean's arms to help him sit back down, but he was gently nudged away.

"Nah, nah, it's okay Casss, I'm _okaay._" He slurred, the drugs in his system making him unable to speak properly. "What're you doing then?"

"Ah don' worry about it. I'll be back tomorrow, okay? I just gotta go do some stuff."

When Dean started walking over to the door, Castiel followed, stumbling as he did so. "Nno, Dean, you should stay here-"

"Nah, come on Cassafrass I just need to go see Sammysam okay? I forgot I told him I'd go talk to him tonight. I promise, man."

The blue eyed man narrowed his gaze at him, waiting a few moments before nodding very slowly. "Ye-yeah, you go talk to Sammy then be here tomorrow. I'll see you... Dane? Dean."

With that Dean gave a smile, and after that he walked out of the shed, closing the door behind him.


	5. Chapter Five

As he'd said, Dean returned in the morning, slamming the door of the shed closed behind him as he walked inside. Castiel, who had been sleeping rather peacefully on the floor, was startled by the sudden sound, jumping up immediately and widening his eyes until he noticed Dean.

"Oh. It's you. Uh, how did it go?" Castiel questioned quietly, voice rough from not speaking during the night. He breathed out a sigh, stretching his arms up and walking over to grab the one orange he'd saved while he awaited Dean's answer.

"Uh, okay, I guess." Was Dean's response, as the man walked over and sat down on an old worn out lawn chair. It was covered in holes and dirty as hell, but neither of them really cared about that.

"Care to elaborate?" The raven-haired man began cutting the orange into slices, putting them onto a plate.

"...Not really. I.. I'm sorry, Cas. I'm just really tired."

Castiel shook his head slightly, keeping his gaze on the orange slices to hide his slight disappointment. Not that Dean owed him an answer, it wasn't any of Castiel's business what happened last night. He brought the plate of orange slices over, sitting down on the floor beside the lawn chair and holding up the plate so that Dean could have some pieces if he wanted. He himself popped one into his mouth, chewing the fruit with a little contented sigh. "Don't worry about it Dean. Just, whatever it is, be careful."

Dean turned his head, looking to the other man with a grin as he took an orange slice.

"Aww, Cas, you're pretty caring when you're not high." With his free hand, he reached over, ruffling Castiel's hair, which of course made the one on the floor groan.

"I'm always caring, you jackass."

The day went on easily enough, with both of them floating through the day without paying attention to the world outside of the woods, building a little fire and throwing random leaves into it, and at the end of the day, getting high. Honestly, if they didn't spend all of their money on drugs, they could have that shower that Castiel wanted. Or, they could just start making more money, he supposed. Currently Castiel still sold himself out for money, except during the day now, while Dean resorted to small thievery such as just taking people's wallets out of their pockets and the like, as well as charging people for asking him directions and such. It surprised him that people actually paid, but whatever.

They bought their drugs from different people, with the other man never really caring how much or what the other bought. They both pretty much got high at the same times, so what did it matter what the drug was? Neither wanted the other to ever overdose, of course, they did care about each other. They were friends.

It was around sunset when Castiel got back to the shed one day, Dean already having been inside for the majority of the day trying to find some use for the tools in the shed. Castiel had just been working, he supposed, as the blue eyed man set a roll of cash on the shelf like he typically did after working. Dean didn't really approve of his method of getting money, but it wasn't like he was going to judge him. He made way more money than Dean, anyway.

"Hey, I fixed up the radio," Dean called, even if Castiel was right across the shed and could probably see the radio. Castiel had found a radio a few days ago, one that was made probably a few years ago, so Dean had figured he might be able to fix it up easily enough, and hey, they could listen to some music sometimes. Plus Castiel had seemed pretty happy about finding it, so he figured he might as well.

"Oh, really? Can I turn it on?"

"Of course. You just press the on button." Dean replied, watching as Castiel rushed over and quickly did as instructed. The man's hair was messy, or, messier than normal, and he looked just generally worn out. So yeah, he had been out "working." Dean just hated it whenever he came back with a bruise or something, because he just wished that he could help, you know?

The radio turned on, only static sounding for a moment before Castiel messed around with it a little, until music flooded through the speakers, causing a grin to light up Castiel's face.

"This is awesome. Finally I can show you my amazing singing powers. You're going to have to have a karaoke battle with me sometime, you know that right?" He turned his gaze to Dean, who grinned in return.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. And I'm sorry, Cas, but you're probably gonna cry when you realize that I can't be beat."

This caused Castiel to just shake his head in amusement, going back to messing with the different stations on the radio while Dean went back to trying to see what all of the different tools were.


	6. Chapter Six

Castiel was currently outside, sitting down in the fallen leaves and leaning against the shed. His eyes were closed, a slightly irritable expression on his face. Today happened to be one of the days in which he had an absolutely horrible headache, and so he was sitting out here, listening to the leaves crunch and fly around in the breeze. It was really nice outside, so that kind of helped, what with the sun shining down through the trees on him and everything. Most days it was cold, now, as it was the end of fall, so he didn't spend much time outside besides when Dean and himself built a fire.

Dean was inside, he knew, but Castiel had no idea what he was doing. He hadn't been in there for a few hours, and he knew that Dean didn't need him to check up on him or anything. He was a grown man. A drug addicted, greasy grown man, but Castiel was the same, so he couldn't really say anything about that besides the not-so-subtle suggestions for building a shower.

He heard the door to the shed open after a bit, leaves crunching under the weight of Dean's shoes, no doubt. He loved that sound, but at the moment it only served to irritate his headache, especially when he could hear Dean walking closer. "Hey, Cas,"

Dean spoke softly enough, for which he was grateful, but at the same time he'd rather him not speak at all. Castiel's eyes snapped open, blue gaze locking on Dean.

"Yes?

"Uh.. um, I have to go out for a bit, okay? I'll be back by tomorrow morning." Dean looked a bit awkward, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck and everything, even averting his gaze.

"...Alright. You don't have to tell me when you leave, you know."

His words came out more snarky than he intended, and he could tell that Dean thought so as well, stepping back a little with an almost hurt expression.

"Uh.. okay. Goodbye, stranger." He gave a little wave before walking off, Castiel's eyes following his movements as he made his way out of the woods. Once the other man was out of sight, Castiel breathed out a sigh, his eyes falling closed again.

He remained outside until the last of the light faded from the sky, the now-cold air making him shiver. Finally he stood, the headache still bursting in his head and making it feel like his brain was exploding against his skull, but he made it inside easily enough. It was even darker in the shed, so he walked over, turning on the lantern Dean had found one day and using it to find himself something to eat. There was another apple and a few bananas, so he cut up the apple and decided that it would be his dinner.

Afterwards he turned the lantern off, moving to lay down on the floor and cover himself with the old tattered blanket. Not that Dean and himself ever cuddled or anything, but he missed the other man's warmth, just from laying beside him. Lately Dean had been leaving at night and wouldn't be there until the morning, which he couldn't exactly tell him not to, but he did prefer the nights that they were both here, sleeping peacefully.

He was awoken by the sound of footsteps, those he recognized as Dean's, and his eyes opened slowly, blinking a few times to adjust his vision to the light that bled through the shed. There were holes all over in the wood that it was built with, and there was a window, as well, even if it was a small one. It was a nice shed, he didn't know why anyone would have abandoned it. Anyway, Castiel stretched out sleepily, after a bit pulling the blanket off of himself just for Dean to crawl under it, a tired look on his face.

As he was now sitting up next to Dean, Castiel raised an eyebrow, head tilting to the side a little. "..Hello, Dean, uh, are you alright?"

The other man opened his eyes, fixing them on Castiel as though just now acknowledging he was there.

"Oh, yeah Cas, I'm fine. Just tired. Didn't get much sleep last night."

He didn't really like that answer, as he wasn't quite sure what Dean meant by that, but he didn't question him further. Dean's eyes were closed again anyway, and it didn't take long for his breathing to even out as he fell asleep. Castiel just sighed quietly, scooting back down under the blanket and moving closer to Dean. He looked like he was freezing, and upon reaching out and touching his arm, Castiel knew that he was. So he moved closer until his forehead rested against Dean's shoulder, his body curled up almost like a cat. Had to warm him up somehow, it wasn't like this blanket was very warm.

It was sometime in the afternoon when Dean finally awoke, eyes snapping open with a start while his hand reached out to the side, trying to feel whatever was pressed against his side. Upon feeling Castiel's hair, though, Dean turned his head, smiling softly at the sleeping man. He might be an annoying asshole sometimes, but Dean couldn't-wouldn't even try-deny that Castiel was adorable, especially when he was asleep. He always wore a peaceful expression, his lips slightly parted though no sound escaped them. And he always seemed to move closer than he was already in his sleep, probably trying to seek out the warmth provided by Dean and cling to it. It was okay with him, I mean he thought it was cute.

He couldn't lay there forever though, and eventually Castiel would wake up again, and if he noticed Dean staring he might get pissy. So Dean moved, being careful not to move Castiel too much as he got out from under the blanket. After he was standing up, Dean gave a little nod, glancing back at Castiel before grabbing a bucket from the corner of the shed, as well as a rope, and taking them outside.


	7. Chapter Seven

When he was awoken once again, Castiel could tell that Dean wasn't next to him. For starters, Castiel was freezing cold, and when he reached out he couldn't feel anyone next to him. If Dean and himself were different people, he would have been a bit hurt, that Dean wasn't here. But he wasn't hurt, because why should he be? He could just be outside, damn it. It wasn't the other man's duty to stay next to him while he slept.

He pushed the blanket off before standing, bringing a hand up to his forehead for a moment and closing his eyes to try and rid himself of the dizziness. He'd slept a lot later than he'd intended, as the land outside of the window was dark and if he looked out the dirty glass, he'd be able to see stars. It was night, and Dean wasn't here. Like usual.

Breathing out a sigh, Castiel walked over to the little table on which the radio sat, turning it on and listening as sound flooded through the speakers. He switched the channel a few times before he found the one he liked, and proceeded to reach into his jacket pocket, fumbling around in there before pulling out a colorful tablet. He put the tablet in his mouth, swallowing it and sitting down under the little table, closing his eyes and listening to the music.

Within an hour he felt vastly better, a smile lighting up his face. Who cared if it was drug induced? He was happy. He was still under the table, but he swayed his body along with the music and sang along, his blue eyes glazed slightly. He was happy, no matter what the feeling in his chest implied.

The door to the shed opened quietly in the morning, Dean poking his head around it to look inside, raising an eyebrow upon seeing Castiel sprawled out under the table. His legs were tangled around two of the table's legs, while his arms tangled around the other two, and his face was planted on the floor.

"That doesn't look too comfortable.." Dean commented quietly, walking inside completely and shutting the door behind him, just to walk over and kneel beside Castiel. He was asleep, or he thought so at least, while the radio played on. After reaching up and turning it off, Dean gently reached under Castiel and hooked his arms beneath the other man's arms, hoisting him up to hold the sleeping man against his chest. He sat there for a moment, probably just regaining energy before he stood, pulling Castiel with him and walking until he was by the blanket, proceeding to slowly set Castiel down and bring the blanket up to cover him. He was cold, yeah, but Dean didn't really have the time to get under the blanket and warm him up right now.

After giving Castiel another glance, Dean walked back out of the shed, leaving once again. And when Castiel finally awoke, he was still alone, as if Dean had never been there.

Castiel didn't hold grudges. Well, not really, anyway. He was generally a forgiving person, no matter what some people decided to say instead. But this? Dean just.. he was hardly ever home anymore. It had been weeks now since he'd actually been home for a whole day, the green-eyed man was always out now and came home for a bit yeah, but Castiel was always asleep. He knew that Dean didn't plan it that way, after all Castiel didn't exactly have a schedule for his sleeping, but he didn't like it anyway. Maybe they just.. weren't as close as Castiel had thought. He had considered them really close, really good friends, and had figured that Dean liked spending time with him. He assumed not, now.

He was sitting on the table, legs crossed while his arms did the same, over his chest. He wasn't thinking about anything in particular, didn't really feel particularly good or bad right now, but when the door opened his mood immediately went south.

"Uh.. hey, Cas. I'd like you to meet someone."

Castiel's cold blue gaze was pointedly averted away from Dean, instead locked on the woman behind him. He just knew that he'd have a headache after this.


	8. Chapter Eight

Castiel's eyes hadn't moved from the woman while the two of them walked inside, his expression carefully blank. Who was this, anyway? And why the _fuck _were they here? This was _their_ home. Dean's and his own. No one else was allowed.

"Cas? You okay?" The blue-eyed man finally looked away from the woman to turn his icy gaze on Dean instead, swallowing the lump in his throat and giving a nod. Of course he wasn't alright. He never fucking was.

Dean seemed to believe him enough though, flashing him a little smile before turning it on the woman, seeming to smile brighter at her. All the while Castiel remained in his place on the other side of the shed, remaining silent as he figured his voice would be a bit off right now.

"So, um, you know that I've been going out these past few nights.."

"Past few weeks." Castiel corrected quietly, watching Dean look back to him with an almost confused expression but he simply waved it off.

"Uh, yeah, sorry. Past few weeks. Anyway, um.. well I've been going to see her. Cas, this is Lilith, my girlfriend."

Lilith's gaze turned on Castiel now, red lips curled up in a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"...Okay. Why are you telling me this?"

Dean seemed to flinch slightly at his harsh tone, glancing away a bit before returning his attention to Castiel, his fingers intertwined with Lilith's squeezing her hand gently.

"..Well, I have something to ask you."

"And what would that be?"

"I.. ah, could you.. would you mind.. not staying here for the night? Uh, I know it's a big request to ask of you since you live here but-"

"I'll go."

A flash of relief seemed to go through Dean, his expression losing it's almost panicky look and his eyes holding what looked to be gratitude. Castiel didn't want to see it. He turned his eyes to Lilith, seeing as her smile twisted wider.

"Really? God, thank you, Cas, I- Just, thank you, buddy." Dean let go of Lilith's hand, walking over to instead wrap his arms around Castiel's cold form. He didn't even mention his lack of warmth, didn't wrap around him further and bring a hand up into his hair to try to warm him up and give him comfort. Hell he probably wasn't even aware that Castiel was in need of it.

He just didn't even want to see Dean right now, let alone hug him back. So his arms remained at his side until Dean pulled away, and his face remained blank and closed off. However, the green-eyed man didn't seem to notice, instead going back to his girlfriend to grab both of her hands and pull her close, their lips colliding in a kiss.

Castiel didn't want to waste time around here, so he moved, stepping onto the ground and grabbing his jacket, pulling it on before moving to grab an orange. He left the other fruits there, including the orange slices he'd cut up earlier on a paper plate for Dean. They were dried out as he'd cut them up hours ago and quite frankly he didn't feel like eating dried out orange slices.

After that he gave a little wave, which Dean returned as he walked outside. He hadn't brought the lantern out, and it was pretty dark outside now, but he'd make it through the woods. The city wasn't too far away. So he walked and walked until he finally came to the edge of the forest, and by then the city was lit up with lights and he could find his way through here easily.

Castiel didn't have any time to pay attention to the stinging in his eyes, didn't care to really. It was meaningless and he had to find someone to stay with quickly, because anyone decent wouldn't be out for much longer. He walked along the sidewalk for a while, and when he went inside a little grocery store and saw a man in a cute button-down shirt, well he figured he was probably decent enough. He didn't let his thoughts stray to those of Dean, because he didn't want to think about how he was probably sexing it up with that fucking girlfriend of his. He didn't want to think about the pitying looks Dean always gave him when he got home from working, because Dean was the one that was doing this to him. He told him he wanted him to stay somewhere else. Where did he expect him to go but to some strangers bed?

-

Castiel awoke to the sound of an alarm clock, something that he hadn't heard in ages. He yawned sleepily, hands coming up to rub at his eyes, and afterwards he extended his arms up on the pillow in a stretch, enjoying the comfort and warmth provided by the bed. He finally opened his eyes after that, blinking a few times to focus his vision on the white walls around him, which were cast in shadows from the dim light of the room. Where the fuck was he-

Oh. Right. Dean had wanted him out of the shed for the night.

A glance sideways confirmed this, his gaze falling on the sleeping form of the man from the grocery store. He wasn't nearly as cute as he'd been in that button-down, he noticed, and that fact made him frown. Castiel pushed the covers off of himself, climbing out of the bed and turning off the alarm clock, as it didn't seem like the other man was going to wake up to do it. He moved around the room, picking up his clothes, before walking through the hallway and into the bathroom. Hey, if he was here, he might as well take that shower that he'd been wanting for a while. And it didn't seem like this man minded him being here, anyway.

He showered quickly, not wanting to use up all the hot water even though the feeling of it beating down against his skin was wonderful. He washed his hair, cleaning it of any dirt or anything else and he couldn't help but smile when he got out and looked in the mirror, eyes looking over his wet hair happily. He was allowed to be happy, okay? He hadn't cleaned his hair in quite a while. After drying off and dressing himself, he walked out of the bathroom, his eyes finding the man from the grocery store at the other end of the hallway, halfway dressed. He was on his phone, and honestly it looked like he'd just been changing and someone had called in the process. Castiel put on a smile, walking over to him and placing kisses behind his ear even as he spoke through the phone. Castiel's arms slipped around his waist, his kisses drifting lower down his neck until finally, the man got off the phone and turned around to face him.

He greeted him with more kisses, except now on the lips, and after a few moments, the man had to pull away, a little grin on his face.

"I still don't know how I found someone as cute as you, Jimmy."

Castiel simply smiled wider, the fake name coming as no surprise to him. Nah, of course he told people his name was Jimmy. He didn't want all these people to know his name was Castiel, he'd get a bad reputation. Not that he had a particularly good one anyway, but.. yeah.

After a bit more kisses, Castiel pulled away again, brushing his fingers against the man's cheek before walking down the hall again.

"Well, you know. I'm not the only cute one in here."

This of course caused the other man to laugh, and after eating breakfast with him, Castiel was on his way again. He figured Dean was probably done with him being gone now, so he started back to the woods, a bitterness clinging to his thoughts.


	9. Chapter Nine

When he returned to the shed, he didn't go inside quite yet. And he wouldn't for quite a while. No, for as long as he could hear their fucking _moaning,_ he wasn't going in there. Castiel instead remained outside, walking out to his usual sitting spot for when he had bad headaches. He sat down, resting his head against the wall of the shed and closing his eyes. If the radio was out here-Oh, shit, it was!

Castiel quickly stood, ignoring the slight dizziness caused by it and instead dashing around to the other side of the shed, grabbing the radio and going back over to the side to sit down again. He'd brought it outside the day before yesterday, because he'd wanted to sit outside but listen to music as well, you know? Dean had ended up coming outside too, and the two of them had sang along to any song that came on, whether they knew the lyrics or just had to mumble their way through it.

He loved those times, when Dean was here and they could just sit outside together and sing along with the radio. Or when they got to build fires and talk, though those times were getting more spread out and well, considering it hadn't happened anytime recently, he figured that tradition was over. He was out all the time-spending time with Lilith, as he'd revealed. He once again ignored the now-familiar feeling of his eyes stinging with the need to cry. He didn't cry, it wasn't like him to and he wasn't going to start now.

He figured the two inside would probably hear it, but Castiel turned on the radio anyway, turning up the volume until he couldn't hear them inside. It would have been better for him to just go back out to the city and maybe wait at the park for a bit then come back, but no. He lived here, and he wanted to be here. So he immersed his thoughts in the sound coming through the radio, and after a bit raised his voice to sing along.

He ended up falling asleep, actually, the radio still playing on while he slumped over and slept, head on the ground while he lay on his side. If he was awake he'd probably be pissed, considering he could be getting his hair dirty again and he'd just washed it, but he wasn't. No, he was asleep, and peacefully, at that, so he didn't even notice when Dean and Lilith walked out of the shed and through the woods, back towards the city. And when he awoke, and the sky was darkened again, though the radio had been turned off he was alone once more.

And alone he remained until two days later, when the door opened and he was met with both Dean and Lilith again. Castiel had scowled inwardly, his hatred for this girlfriend of Dean's blooming with every second his eyes were upon her. She had no right to do this, to take his best friend from him like this and have said friend ask him to stay somewhere else. This was his _home._ The first place that he'd ever really felt comfortable in, where he knew he could go when he was feeling down and he knew that he would be safe when he awoke in the mornings. He might not have a shower, but he had four little walls around him and a radio. He had a blanket and fruits, and along with Dean, those were the only things he needed. But Lilith was taking all of that away from him. The question became more and more familiar as the months went on-

"Would you mind staying somewhere else? Just for the night."

And every time Castiel would leave without a protest, because that's what friends did. They let their friends have their time with their girlfriends or boyfriends and they helped them out. Dean might not spend much time with him anymore, he might not build fires and talk about his family or do karaoke with him anymore, and he might not ever eat the fruit he cut up for him anymore. But he was still his friend and he couldn't let Dean down.

He didn't go to that man's house every time. He liked him well enough, but Castiel had a feeling that he.. well, that he wanted a relationship. And that was out of Castiel's comfort zone. He could do sex, he could do anything really besides an actual relationship with someone. He was only with people to stay at their houses, anyway. So really, it was pretty much how it was before he'd met Dean. Except now, he had an emptiness in his heart that had once been filled with closeness. Closeness to Dean, who was becoming closer to Lilith day by day, night by night. They spent all of their fucking time with each other, sucking face and having sex and whatever the fuck else they did. Lilith probably cut up fruit for Dean, and that fucker probably ate it and thanked her for it like he never did anymore with Castiel.

His drug addiction got worse, he supposed. He was always high now, when before, it had only been in the afternoons, really. He spent more money on the drugs, yes, but he was also out more working, considering Dean was always hogging the shed. So the money wasn't the problem-however, the increasing number and intensity of headaches and dizziness was. But he was okay. Like he always fucking was.


	10. Chapter Ten

"Cas, could you hand me the knife?"

Lilith's voice irritated his headache more than he ever figured a voice could. Castiel held back a groan when he opened his eyes, standing up from his dark corner of the shed to walk over and grab the knife. He handed it off to Lilith before walking back to his corner, watching as Lilith grabbed an apple and cut it into slices, most likely for Dean, who was sitting down by the table and watching Lilith with a fondness in his eyes. Castiel just took pleasure in the fact that Dean disliked apples-Lilith was pretty much just setting herself up for disappointment there.

Lately Dean and Lilith had been hanging out at the shed all the time, instead of.. wherever they usually were during the day. Castiel typically had headaches during this time, unfortunately, because Lilith was just so fucking annoying and he couldn't let his annoyance show. Not when Dean was around anyway, he didn't want to lose the only friend he had-even if he was barely around him anymore anyway.

Anyway, Lilith had taken to getting fruit for Dean, like Castiel used to. However, today she'd picked an apple, and Castiel was pleased.

That is, until Dean accepted the paper place with a smile, pressing a kiss to the corner of Lilith's mouth before eating an apple slice.

Castiel had stood, grabbing the radio and walking outside to sit down in his typical place and turn on the music, ignoring the intense pain it brought his head.

Too many days were like that, with Lilith and Dean being all couple-y and lovey while Castiel quietly sat away from them, trying to nurse his headaches away with either silence or loud music. And-

"I FUCKING HATE IT."

Castiel's loud, angry shout wasn't heard by a soul, his slim and cold form laying on it's side in the shed. Moonlight flooded through the window, illuminating Castiel as he lay on the floor, trying to sleep. His eyes were red and stinging, a strange feeling on his face that, when he reached up to feel it, revealed itself as tears.

He was crying.

Castiel didn't cry.

He curled in on himself after kicking the tattered blanket away, burying his face in his hands as the tears continued to fall. He let himself shout curses into the still silence, knowing that no one would ever know that he did. Dean wasn't here. He was never here except to fuck his girlfriend. There was a feeling that seemed to be hidden between his ribs, it felt as though it was both ripping him apart and making him curl up on himself simultaneously. He didn't stay still for too long, shoving his elbows forcefully down on the creaky wood floor and pushing himself up until he was sitting up. He wasn't wearing his jacket, and naturally his elbows caught splinters in the skin, but he didn't pay attention. He was freezing but didn't want the blanket, he didn't want his jacket-he wanted Dean. He wanted his body pressed up against his own, the other man's arms wrapped around him and holding him close, providing him with all the warmth he needed. He wanted Dean's lips to be the ones that whispered comforting things into his ear, his fingers trailing through his hair in an attempt to calm him.

Castiel stood on shaky legs, stumbling more than a little as he walked over to the table, grabbing his jacket even if he didn't plan on wearing it. Instead he just reached inside his pocket, fingers wrapping tightly around the contents and pulling them out, tossing the jacket at the wall and setting the items in his hands on the table. Now on the table were a few syringes and the like, his usual drugs and such. And he had wanted to take them, take them all, he wanted to stop feeling because feeling _this_ was too much. But now. Now he couldn't. The tears were too much and he couldn't _see_, he was cold and he just wanted _warmth_-

He let out another cry, eyes shutting tightly as he sunk to the floor, arms clutching his waist. He hated this. He hated caring about people. In the end this is what it did to him and he fucking _hated_ it.

He fell asleep to the sound of his own sobs, his body on the floor under the table and his face tear-stained, and unsurprisingly, alone.


	11. Chapter Eleven

The Killers isn't mine, obviously, and neither is their song Andy, You're A Star. But it's a pretty cool song anyway.

* * *

In the morning he was actually _warm_, and the first thing he thought was that he'd probably been asked to stay somewhere else again, had went off and had to sleep with someone just for a nice bed to stay in. But.. no, the bed wasn't comfortable and the blanket wasn't warm, there was someone pressed against him but he was clothed.

Castiel's eyes snapped open, realization flooding his gaze. He was still at the shed, but who-who was-

"Mornin' Cas."

Dean's voice made him let out the breath he didn't know he'd been holding in, relaxing against the other man's body and even pushing back against it to get closer. He would turn, would look at him, but he was afraid that he'd disappear if he did. After all, Castiel had fallen asleep alone. Who was to say that this wasn't just a dream? Though, when he felt a warm hand on his elbow, he doubted that this could be a dream. The touch was too warm, too comforting-but then again, Dean would never sleep pressed up against him. Hell he wouldn't even sleep around him anymore, or if he did it was because Lilith was away.

Even with his fears in mind, Castiel slowly turned until his blue gaze was met with Dean's green, the other man smiling at him sleepily. He furrowed his brow in confusion, not sure if he should be asking questions or not. He didn't want to, he'd be happy enough to just lay here and enjoy this closeness while he had it. If this was real, it wouldn't last for long. Dean would move away soon enough. So he just moved closer, burying his face in Dean's neck and taking comfort in the little laugh that escaped the green-eyed man.

He fell asleep quickly, as his mind was tired and weary and Dean was just too comfortable not to fall asleep when pressed against him. He was still confused about the situation, as Dean definitely hadn't been there when he'd fallen asleep crying, but he was here now. Maybe he had gotten into an argument with Lilith. Whatever it was, Castiel was grateful for it, he decided, as he got his first hours of sleep that were completely calm and peaceful in months.

But, it was only that, a few hours. Thankfully Dean was still there when he awoke, his own eyes closed as he snored softly. Castiel couldn't help the fond little smile on his lips. Before yesterday he hadn't even admitted to himself that he... that he felt anything more than just platonic feelings for Dean, but now that he was sure of it with himself? He didn't feel weird watching the other man sleep. He loved the way he looked, all unaware of everything around him as he slept. Castiel liked to see his freckles up close, to see those dark eyelashes flutter from time to time.

Castiel barely moved, not wanting to awaken Dean from his slumber and have the other man move away. No, he was going to enjoy these moments where he had Dean all to himself, and he wasn't going to do anything to ruin them. Dean's arms were around his waist like he'd so desperately wished for last night, and though he was unsure why, he was happy about it.

Dean wouldn't be asleep forever, though, and that was proved true when he shifted around a bit about an hour after Castiel had woken up. He moved his arms, hands dragging slowly along Castiel's back to rest at his lower back instead now. Soon enough his eyes opened as well, slowly revealing a brilliant, sleepy green that always caught Castiel's attention.

"Has anyone ever told you you're creepy, Cas?" He mumbled, though the teasing was clear. And yeah, Castiel had to admit that it was probably creepy that he watched Dean sleep. But he couldn't help it, and he couldn't help the little giggle that escaped his lips.

"_On the streets, such a sweet face jumping in town  
in the staff room the verdict is in,_"

Dean raised an eyebrow at Castiel's quiet words.

"Dude, are you singing? I'm trying to sleep."

This just caused Castiel to giggle a little louder, the happiness clear in the sound. He watched as Dean's eyes closed once more, soon enough his breathing evening out as he slept.

"_In a car with a girl, promise me she's not your world.  
Cause Andy, you're a star.._"

He buried his face in the crook of Dean's neck again, breathing out a sigh of content.

"_..In nobody's eyes but mine_."


	12. Chapter Twelve

When they woke up again, it was dark again outside, but to Castiel's surprise, he was still pressed against Dean. The other man was even awake, and hell he hadn't gotten up and left. Either something had happened with Lilith, or Dean was feeling bad about pretty much neglecting their friendship. He didn't really care which it was, he was just happy that Dean was here, very obviously watching him sleep.

"_I'm_ the creepy one?" Castiel asked sleepily, and he could hear Dean's laughter, which was like freaking music to his ears honestly.

Dean didn't remain with him for much longer, though, moving away from him soon enough and standing up, extending his arms upwards in a stretch. Castiel's eyes might have fixed on the place that Dean's shirt lifted up while he stretched, revealing a little bit of his lower back. Whatever, it wasn't like Dean was scolding him for it or anything.

"Alrighty, Cas, I'll see you later, okay?"

Castiel would have preferred being scolded.

"W-what? Where are you going?" The blue-eyed man stood quickly, once again ignoring the dizziness the action brought and focusing his narrowed gaze on Dean. He was sure that the disappointment was clear in his eyes, why couldn't Dean see it? He never did, no matter what Castiel looked like, Dean never fucking noticed. Maybe he just didn't care that Castiel's heart felt like it was fucking breaking every time he brought Lilith through the door, or when he asked him that question or told him that-

"I'm just going over to Lilith's for a bit, we'll be back later, though, I promise. Okay?" Dean tried again, eyebrows raising as if asking his approval. Or, asking for him to agree. Dean would go whether Castiel approved or not.

He nodded slowly, eyes going downcast as he did so.

"Okay."

Dean left after that, flashing Castiel a smile as if he was thankful that he'd said the simple word. And yes, they did in fact return later, except Castiel was asleep again. He slept a lot lately, wanting to block out his feelings about the handsome man who he couldn't have and the dizziness and the headaches.

He was curled up under the blanket near a corner of the shed when Dean and Lilith walked in, being quiet as to not awaken Castiel. They were giggling, though, but still Castiel did not wake, not even when Dean went over and picked him up. The green-eyed man brought his sleeping form outside of the shed, setting him down in the place he usually sat and then proceeding to go inside again, back to Lilith. Castiel slept on, unaware that he was now outside and freezing while Dean and Lilith were inside laughing and making out and whatever the fuck else they did.

He did, however, wake up when he felt something familiar on his face. He knew what it was without opening his eyes-rain, he knew it because it was cold and wet and when he used to sleep outside sometimes he'd get rained on. But he hadn't fallen asleep outside, had he? And as far as he knew, there weren't any holes in the ceiling of the shed. When he opened his eyes, he felt an intensity flow through him, starting at the center of his ribs and building up the fire into his throat.

They had put him outside. Dean and Lilith had moved him. They were inside. He was going to fucking slit their throats if he got a cold from being out in this fucking rain.

He didn't waste time standing up, his clothes and hair already dampened from the falling rain, which had awoken him as just a sprinkle, but was steadily getting louder and more heavy. Castiel brought a hand up, letting out a strangled noise of frustration as he pushed a clump of wet hair away from his face. Afterwards he marched right over to the door of the shed, well aware of the sounds inside of the shed but honestly he was too fucking pissed off to care about what Dean and Lilith were doing.

He was thankful though when he noticed they were both still clothed-for the most part anyway. The straps of Lilith's dress were halfway down her arms while the bottom of her outfit was pushed up on her thigh by Dean's hand. And speaking of Dean, his shirt was off, belt unbuckled and well. It was obvious what was going on. Their kissing broke apart upon hearing the door being pushed open forcefully, and Dean's eyes could only widen at the darkened, drenched sight of Castiel, who was sending him a death glare. He didn't care if Dean had spent time with him this morning.

"You moved me. Outside." Came Castiel's low voice, his tone cold and dripping with his obvious frustration. Dean opened his mouth to answer, but honestly he couldn't find any words. He just.. felt bad really, because he'd put Castiel out there and he'd been rained on. But what the hell was Castiel so angry about? He understood the rain thing, but that didn't really look like an anger just directed towards that incident.

"I live here, Dean."

"Uh, y-yeah, you do-"

"Shut your fucking mouth, Dean. Quite frankly I don't want to hear your voice right now."

That seemed to silence the other man, his hands retreating from their places on Lilith and instead going to fold in his lap, expression blank and almost.. well, guilty.

"You could have had the decency to wake me up, you know. You could have told me to go out and find somewhere to stay for the night. That's what you wanted, yeah? You just wanted me out."

Castiel shifted his glare to Lilith, who was mirroring the expression right back at him.

"I guess if you want me out, I'll go, then. You can share this place with Lilith instead. She gets to be here more than myself anyway."

He raised his hand, and Lilith raised her own to give him a sharp, abrupt wave, as if asking him to leave, while Castiel instead made his into a fist and raised his middle finger. He left without another word, leaving Dean sitting there with his hands still folded carefully in his lap and his expression appearing empty, while Lilith sat at his side and glared at the door.

Castiel left the woods, not sparing a glance behind him for he knew that he'd probably break and go back if he did. He was already surprised that he'd actually done that. He-how could he say that to Dean? He.. they were friends. Best friends. Castiel was supposed to support Dean in his choices, and help him with his relationships. He was supposed to let him have the shed when he wanted and go somewhere else at that time. He supposed that this time it was just a bit more.. permanent.

But how could Dean do this to him? He just.. Castiel wasn't even pissed about the rain, not really, at least. Yeah it was fucking annoying being drenched to the bone now and being awoken by that, but Dean couldn't have known that it was going to rain, and he'd probably just wanted to let Castiel sleep. Still, though, he..

Castiel shook his head slightly to himself, inhaling deeply and exhaling before walking onto the sidewalk. Alright. Now to find somewhere to stay for the night. And the next. And the next. So, back to the start, he supposed. On his own.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Months passed, and Castiel didn't see Dean once during the whole time. He'd went back to how it was before, walking around the city during the daytime and staying with different people on different nights. Nothing was different about it in reality, but it was.. harder. Harder to make himself do it, to just up and have sex with anyone that wanted just so that he could stay somewhere for a night. It just wasn't the same, he couldn't be as closed off as he had been before-he couldn't stop thinking about Dean. Even if he knew the other man had most likely forgotten him months ago. He had Lilith now. So Castiel carried on how he was.

"Hey, did you use my shower?"

Last night, Castiel had found some random man in a bar that had offered him a place for the night in exchange for, you know, sex. He'd agreed, because well that's what he'd been looking for anyway, and yeah, he'd woken up before the man and used his shower. Typically people didn't mind, and he figured it was better to be clean if he wanted people to think he was attractive. Not that he wasn't attractive, I mean he definitely was. But everyone looked a bit worse when their hair was greasy, you know?

"I did," Castiel called in response, sitting on the arm of the couch in the man's living room. His name was Roger, he'd found, and honestly he was a bit of an asshole. Roger walked out of the hallway, buttoning up a plaid shirt and staring at Castiel, who was already fully dressed.

"Did you ask first?"

Castiel raised an eyebrow. Roger's voice had practically dripped with irritation-why the fuck was he irritated? If he had that much of a problem with him taking a shower, he could have, you know, not had sex with him and offered him a place for the night?

"I did not."

The man walked over to the couch, all the while rolling his eyes as he finished up the buttons on his shirt.

"Right. Definitely the most polite whore I've ever met."

"I'm not a whore."

Castiel could only widen his eyes in shock when Roger's hand collided with his face, the slap leaving a red mark on his face and damn it stung. When his angered blue gaze finally looked to Roger again, he was met with a smug grin.

"Sure. You're not a whore. You definitely didn't jump at the chance to get into my bed."

"I didn't- fucking- I-"

Roger strolled away, the smug grin still on his face and appeared to be staying there.

"Yup. Fucking."

Castiel had left the building after that conversation, the side of his face burning while his eyes-well they had regained that familiar stinging feeling, the one he knew preceded tears. Before, of course he wouldn't have taken that. There was no way in hell he'd let some asshole say that to him, let him slap him like that. And he was angry. God, he was fucking frustrated. The tears that threatened to fall as he walked the street simply fueled his anger.

God, why had he left Dean all those months ago? He could have just stayed outside, just let himself get drenched and get sick, because at least he wouldn't have lost Dean. Lilith would have still been there, Dean's girlfriend, but damn he would still have his friend, no matter how unimportant their friendship seemed to be to Dean. He wouldn't still have to do this, have to fucking sell himself out just so that he didn't have to sleep out in an alley. He would have still had their shed, with it's old, hole-ridden wood, the tattered blanket that always seemed to hold Dean's comforting scent. He'd still have the radio that Dean had fixed, he could still sit under the table and sing along to every song that came on. He'd still have a home. He wouldn't have a shower but it wouldn't matter, because Dean was always just as dirty as himself.

He missed Dean.

He missed the way that his whole face seemed to light up when he smiled. The brilliant green of his eyes, how they were speckled with gold and other shades of green. The freckles sprinkled across his face. His short, dirty blond hair, even if it was always greasy. He missed his fucking smell. He always smelled like.. earth, really, nature, just.. nice. It was soothing.

But in the last few weeks it hadn't been. He'd smelled like Lilith. Her strong perfume, drowning out his natural, wonderful scent and replacing it with artificial poison. Basically just Lilith in a bottle.

He raised a hand, wiping away the tears that had fallen while he continued his walk. He hated this, breaking down and crying anytime someone was like that to him. He was so fucking pathetic. He moved his hand to rest over the spot in which he'd been slapped, rubbing his fingers over the reddened skin with a frown.

Castiel had walked into a darkened alleyway, ignoring all of the warnings his mind put out to do the opposite, to turn around and get as far away as he could from here. But he made it. He walked over, sitting down beside one of the dumpsters belonging to the restaurant in the building he was leaning against. His head hurt like hell, he realized, the throbbing pain coming to his attention now that he wasn't thinking about Dean. Or, maybe it was because of Dean. That seemed more likely, anyway.

He pressed two fingers against his temple, eyes closing as he sat there. He remained in the alley for maybe an hour and a half, willing his headache to fade, though it never did. It was still there as he stood, still there as he walked, still there as he went back to Roger. Because he had nothing better to do, and it wasn't like there was anyone that cared enough to tell him not to.

So when he walked back out of Roger's apartment three days later, hickeys scattered over his chest and a few on his neck, along with a few real bruises, well it was his own fault. At least, he told himself that anyway, because everything was his fault. It always was. He hadn't been good enough of a friend for Dean, so he'd went out and got himself a girlfriend. Castiel knew it.

"Do you think he's okay?"

"Who?"

"Cas. It's been months, Lil."

Lilith raised an eyebrow at Dean from across the shed, hands on her waist as she seemed to think over the question, eventually giving a little shrug.

"Dunno. Maybe."

Dean breathed out a frustrated sigh, falling backwards on the bed. They'd bought a small, cheap one a while ago, as they'd gotten tired of.. well, you know, on the hard wood floor. Splinters and all that. They'd gotten a new blanket, too, though the old one was still in here somewhere. It wasn't like Dean would ever admit it, but he'd kept it because it had still smelled like Cas.

God, he missed Cas.

"Aw, baby, I'm sure he's fine. Besides, he left. He obviously didn't care about you if he just left like that, so why should you care about him?"

"Because he's my friend, Lil. Friends look out for each other."

"Why do you need a friend? You have me, right?" Lilith crossed the room, moving to sit in Dean's lap, causing the man to smile up at her a little.

"Yeah, yeah, I have you."

A full year had passed by now, and god Castiel was just tired of it. Tired of everything. He was tired of all the fucking headaches, all the people touching him, all the people yelling, all the bruises and rude comments and tired of thinking about Dean, about his greener than green eyes and how cute he'd looked when he'd tossed that box of cigarettes at Castiel. He was tired of all this pain, pain because he'd never figured this out before he'd already left Dean. He hadn't even realized that the blooming feeling in his chest whenever Dean was around happened to be affection, that the similar but different burning was jealousy. Because yes, he was jealous. Jealous because Lilith was the one that got to watch Dean wake up in the morning, she was the one that got to see those beautiful eyes up close. She was the one that actually had Dean's heart while he just survived by strangers' whims.

But he was.. he liked to think he was over it. Somewhat. A lot more than he had been, anyway. Castiel wasn't letting people just do whatever they wished with him anymore. He actually had a job. A fucking job. He worked at a local diner as a waiter, and yeah he made crap money but it was better than nothing. After a while, he actually had enough to keep an apartment. A small, pretty bad apartment, but it was an apartment anyway, and he no longer had to search out places to stay every night. He had never gotten much sleep that way, anyway. But now? He slept every night, and perfectly, at that. Because you know what? He had made it this far. It wasn't an ideal way to live but it was fucking perfect to him, better than living in a damn shed with some other addict. And hell, he wasn't even doing drugs as much anymore. I mean, he still was, he couldn't just stop cold turkey or some shit like that, because he was way too far gone to just stop. But he had gotten rid of a lot of the non addictive things, and was working on getting off of the addictive things. So far he was doing very good, in his opinion.

He actually had a life now, a job and an apartment and hope that he'd one day be able to have a nice house of his own, a good-paying job, and thoughts of Dean out of his mind.

The annoying blare of his ringtone is what awoke him this morning, a groan escaping Castiel's lips as he reached over to the side table, grabbing the cellphone and bringing it up to his ear. He was in bed, obviously, a cheap bed with all white sheets and a nice, white comforter. His dark, clean hair was just as messy as ever, the raven-color a big contrast to the white of the pillow.

"Yes?" Castiel greeted, voice slow and rough from disuse overnight. He brought a hand up, rubbing his eyes while he awaited an answer.

"Mr. Novak. Are you planning on getting here anytime soon?"

He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to get his aching mind to think through the dull headache that was threatening to worsen. What-

"Shit! I-I mean, yes, sir, I'll be there right away." Castiel threw the comforter off of himself, rushing up and off of the bed to race to the closet, pulling out his work clothes and stripping down quickly, replacing his old clothes with his work outfit. Afterwards he dashed out of the bedroom, stopping only at the front door to put on his shoes. Then he was out the door, on his way to the diner.

He arrived there in record time, and due to the fact that he didn't actually own a car and had ran the whole way there, was a bit out of breath. Not as much as he would have been a few months ago, because well, he'd ran or walked or jogged every day to work, and he'd kind of built up an endurance. Anyway, he walked over to the bar-like counters, going behind them and putting on his apron of sorts before grabbing his little notebook and pen. Right. Orders.

Castiel walked all around, taking orders and bringing out food when it was ready. There were other waiters and waitresses, yes, but at the moment he was the only one here, unfortunately. In the mornings the others usually weren't here, a fact that bothered him greatly, but he wasn't going to complain. Hell no, this had been the first place to hire him, he wasn't going to get himself fired.

"Hello, my name's Jimmy and I'll be your server for the day. What can I get you to drink?" Castiel flashed a smile, which neither of the couple returned, instead informing him of their drinks as well as orders before pretty much waving him off. Castiel gave a nod, and after that order was finished, set off to get to the next booth, another couple.

He took out his notepad and pen, getting ready to write.

"Hello, my name's Jimmy and I'll be your-"

When his eyes danced over Dean Winchester and Lilith and the booth, he couldn't help but stop.

He so wasn't over it.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

"Hello, my name's Jimmy and I'll be your server for the day. What can I get you to drink?" He decided to try again, after clearing his throat and removing any hostility from his gaze. After all, Dean had pretty much ignored him for months before he'd left. He might as well do the same.

Dean definitely noticed the way that he seemed to be ignoring them somehow, and furrowed his brows, scooting to the edge of the seat to get a closer look at Castiel.

"Cas, what..."

"My name is Jimmy, actually. Do you need a few more minutes to decide, or?" Castiel's gaze went from Dean to Lilith, who was glaring at him outright and without even _trying_ to hide it. Dean looked about the same, except the glare was more out of confusion and.. hurt, it appeared, than anything else. Good. He deserved any hurt he got from this. After a few moments of just staring, Dean seemed to snap out of a daze, scooting back in his chair again and looking away from Castiel, instead looking at his hands, which were resting on the table.

"I'd like a different server, please."

Now it was Castiel's turn to glare, lips parting slightly because yeah he hadn't been expecting _that._ Sure, maybe some hostility, or a request to go outside and explain, but this? He hadn't been acknowledging that it was them but now? God. He didn't like it for Dean to do it too.

"Right. Okay. Get one."

"What?"

"Get a different server."

"That's not my job."

Castiel leaned closer, grabbing Dean's chin and tilting his head upwards to ensure that he met his hostile gaze. "Yep, it's not. You don't even _have_ a job. So if you don't want me to do mine and serve you, okay. Because at least I have one."

And, as he knew that Dean would definitely get up and try to brutally attack him after that, Castiel let go of the other man's chin, pretty much dashing out of the diner without a second thought. He'd just.. wait until they left. Then he'd go back in. It was freaking childish as hell, and he'd probably have to take another shift later, but he didn't want to see them, not after this long. He'd finally been coming to terms with it, you know? And now they had to show up, still clearly in a relationship and just.. he hated it. He had an apartment, a job, all that great stuff, but he didn't have what he wanted most-Dean. So he'd wait.

To his surprise, Dean did _not_ storm through the doors to follow after him and attack him. Which was perfectly fine with him, I mean he didn't take pleasure in getting beaten to a pulp. Castiel breathed out a sigh, frustrated with how this day was turning out to be. He knew that he shouldn't have done that, he could have just acknowledged that yeah, he was indeed Castiel, and just.. explained to Dean everything that had happened, and hell maybe they could have parted on good terms, or even spend some time together in a few days and just.. catch up, become friends again. But no, he'd ruined his chances of that, and only because he'd been pissed off about seeing them again. Great.

He walked around to the back of the building, noticing two of his coworkers out there smoking, but didn't engage in conversation, instead just going to sit down and lean against the brick wall. Yeah, he'd wait. Or maybe Dean would just seek him out. Tell him that he was sorry. That he didn't want to be with Lilith anymore, that he wanted Castiel to come back and live with him again in the old shed.

Or maybe he didn't live there anymore. He could live with Lilith, for all Castiel knew, after all the shed was never really that great of a house, and it had no shower or kitchen or anything besides tools, really. And it wasn't like Dean would do that anyway.

Damn.

He looked up when he heard footsteps coming around the side of the building, unfortunately hoping to see Dean, but alas it was just another of his coworkers. They hadn't walked out the back door to get here, though, which was a bit confusing, but whatever. Not something he wanted to concern himself with. So he rested his head against the wall, eyes closing as he did so, and he waited.

Castiel didn't see Dean or Lilith for the rest of the day, and in all honesty it left him with a hollow, empty feeling-disappointment, he supposed.

About a week later, Castiel was in his bed, sleeping away in the comfort of the warm blankets once again. It was probably three or four in the morning, and he'd gotten off work early that day so he had mainly just slept the whole time. However, a loud knock to the door caused him to open his eyes, his blue gaze practically burning a hole through the ceiling in frustration. God, what the _fuck_was important enough for someone to wake him up at this hour? Especially with a knock like that, god, it was like an injured person trying to get into a hospital.

With an irritated groan, Castiel sat up, pushing the blankets off of himself and shivering at the feel of the cool air meeting his skin. On second thought-he stood, proceeding to pull the top comforter off of the bed and wrap it around himself, afterwards going to walk out of the room. Right, the door. He made his way through the tiny apartment and to the front door, unlocking it before pulling it open.

Greeted by the sight of Dean, Castiel furrowed his eyebrows, frowning at the other man all the while leaning against the door frame. He was too tired for this right now, what the fuck did Dean want?

"Cas.. uh.."

Castiel shook his head slightly, reaching out and grabbing the sleeve of Dean's jacket, pulling the man inside and closing the door behind them. The green-eyed man certainly seemed surprised by the gesture, but _what_ever. He pulled him through the room to the little chair he had put in the small living room, making him sit down there before going to lay down on the floor on his side, watching Dean with a tired expression.

"Okay. Now continue."

Dean still wore the confused look on that pretty face of his, but didn't voice any questions he might have, instead giving a nod.

"Uh.. I know it's late, sorry about that. I didn't.. um, I didn't actually expect you to be here, I guess."

Castiel only raised an eyebrow. What, he didn't expect him to be at his own apartment? Of course, there was the option that Dean had figured he still slept around every night for places to stay, and it could be likely that he didn't even live here. Speaking of which, how the fuck did Dean even get his address?

"Anyway, I just.. wanted to.. see you, I guess. I know you didn't exactly like me when you left, and the other day probably didn't help, but.. well we were really good friends, you know? I wanted to see you again."

The raven-haired man on the floor couldn't help but laugh slightly, but it was bitter, barked out.

"What, is that not okay?" Dean questioned, or honestly it sounded more like a challenge, but whatever.

"No, no, it's fine. Continue."

"That's it."

"That's it?"

At Dean's nod of confirmation, Castiel raised both eyebrows now, rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling with curiosity. Dean just wanted to see him? He could have, you know, asked around for him, looked for him, hell followed him out of the shed when he'd left.

"...Alright. Do you want some hot chocolate?"


	15. Chapter Fifteen

"So then I ju-I just walked out, a-and her face! It was like she was gonna murder me or something." Dean was doubling over with laughter now, having barely been able to even get those words out. He was seated on the couch still, and Castiel was as well now, laughing along to Dean's story.

"You just threw th-the orange at her?"

"I did!"

The two were thrown into another fit of giggles, and Castiel was just glad that they'd set their cups of hot chocolate on the table, because damn they would have spilled those all over themselves by now if they hadn't. It wasn't their first cups of it, either, no they'd went through many packets of hot chocolate by now and it seemed like their friendship was just mended more and more with each one. Sure, it had been really awkward at first, but once they got into telling stories about the past year it had gotten easier to be around each other again. Not that they were completely comfortable now, but definitely more so than earlier.

It was a lot like when they'd lived together, Castiel found, and it filled him with a bit of happiness, because yeah, he'd missed this even more than he'd thought. Just.. the story telling, the laughing, simply being around each other and being able to stare into Dean's green eyes. He couldn't help but think that if they were outside by the shed, sitting around a fire, it'd be better, but this was all he could have, and all he would ask for.

"Oh, oh, wait,"

Castiel began once he had finally managed to stop giggling for a moment, standing up and walking out of the room for a moment. He returned in a minute with the used CD player that he'd bought, because why not? After all, Dean was here. They hadn't sang anything together for _quite_ a while, even before Castiel had left. The smile on the green-eyed man's face widened into a grin at the sight of it, and Castiel put it on the table, afterwards going to plug it in.

"God, I haven't sung anything in like.."

"A year and a half?"

"Yeah, probably."

Castiel gave a little nod, ignoring the fact that Dean probably hadn't even noticed that they'd ever stopped singing together. Whatever, it was in the past. He was here right now, ready to sing horribly with him. And no they weren't horrible singers, but they definitely weren't the best. Especially not when they were both hyper on hot chocolate.

They sang and danced and laughed pretty much the whole time, and when Dean finally left, it was probably around eight in the morning.

They'd both pretty much crashed by then, and Castiel was wrapped up in his comforter again, standing by the door while Dean was on the opposite side, looking equally as tired as he. He had a little smile on his face though, so Castiel figured he'd enjoyed being around him again.

"Um.. thanks for not making me go away. And for the hot chocolate, that was pretty good."

"No thanks for the singing?"

Dean chuckled, the corners of his eyes crinkling like they used to. Castiel had missed that so much, had missed being the one to make him smile.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks for the singing too."

The raven-haired man gave a satisfied nod, now mirroring Dean's smile even if his eyelids were drooping from tiredness. Both men were silent then, as if frozen in the moment staring at one another.

"You're pretty cute in that blanket, Cas."

"It's a comforter, Dean."

Castiel could feel the heat in his cheeks, reddening his face slightly in embarrassment-or joy, maybe. The green-eyed man didn't seem to mind that his cheeks were red though, instead just moved closer, hand coming up to the back of Castiel's neck to hold him still as he leaned closer, closer-

and he kissed him. And Castiel was so shocked that he couldn't respond, couldn't return the kiss like he so dearly wanted to. Though yet again Dean didn't seem to mind, and when he pulled away, he was still smiling.

"I'll see you later."

He turned, and through widened eyes Castiel could see that he was still smiling as he walked away, still looked happy, just like Castiel had hoped he would be if they kissed. Not that he'd been planning this, or had expected it to happen, but since it had, he wasn't complaining. Well, about the fact that they'd kissed, anyway. It definitely was a bit short for his liking.

With that thought in mind, Castiel furrowed his eyebrows, putting on a frown as he closed the door and walked back to his room, the redness still coloring his cheeks. He got ready for work, as much as he desperately wished that he could just get in bed and sleep the day away, or hell, it'd be better if Dean just came back and wanted to cuddle with him in bed, and they could just.. fall asleep together. But he wouldn't hope for that, because he never got what he hoped for-only what he hadn't quite dared to.

He went to work after that, distracted and tired all day, and he wouldn't deny that he'd dropped multiple things and tripped one or two times, his mind in overdrive even if his body wasn't.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Castiel was... well, pissed off, to say the least.

At the table in front of him was Dean and Lilith, of course, still looking infatuated as ever with each other. He averted his gaze when Dean looked to him with a smile, and by his expression he was obviously thinking that this wasn't a big deal. Castiel wiped his hands nervously on the apron he had to wear, afterwards reaching into the pocket and taking out his little notepad and pen, giving a little nod. Right. The kiss had meant nothing. Just heat of the moment.

"What can I get you to drink?" He questioned, doing his best to not reveal his inner turmoil once again. Yeah, he was fine. It had been three days since the night Dean had come over, and he hadn't seen him at all in the days following besides now, so.. well yeah, the kiss had just been spur of the moment. He could live with that.

But god he couldn't stand the way that his heart felt like it was sinking every time Dean looked at him, with those brilliant green eyes that looked so happy and open. He hated his happiness, but at the same time he just wished that it was contagious. Then Lilith never looked happy, and Castiel just.. he had no idea why Dean would ever like her, honestly. She was a total bitch, not that good looking, and drove friendships apart. What was so good about that?

Of course, if he asked that, Dean would just respond with something like,

"Aw, Cas. You just don't know what it's like to be in love with someone."

"I'll have some coke, please." Dean grinned through the words, winking to Castiel as if he was the most hilarious man on earth. And if Castiel wasn't frustrated right now? Then yeah, he'd probably laugh at that, because Dean hated coke. The drink, anyway. And if they were still living together, if Castiel wasn't trying to get over his addictions, he would get Dean a drink and spike it with cocaine like he wanted. But he wasn't going to, even if Dean was already ruining the walls he'd built, even if it would be so easy to let him break down this one as well.

"Sprite."

Castiel furrowed his eyebrows, almost scowling at Lilith. Sprite? Really? He gave another nod, turning around to go and take another table's order. After all, he was at work, he couldn't just storm out like he had the first time he'd seen Dean and Lilith in here. He had to take care of other tables. So he went around, collecting orders and turning them in, bringing tables their drinks. Dean seemed a bit disappointed when he gave him Coca Cola instead of cocaine, but this was his workplace and he couldn't afford to do something like that.

Neither Dean or Lilith tried to make conversation besides when they said their orders, and he was okay with that. 

* * *

However, he was not okay with the fact that he was woken up again at two in the morning.

"Damn it, I'm trying to fucking sleep!" Castiel shouted, voice once again rough from disuse. He shoved the blankets off of himself again, this time not bringing the comforter along with him as he walked out of the bedroom, through the apartment and to the door. He opened the door with a frown on his face, glaring at the man in front of him. Who, yes, was Dean Winchester.

"Dean, why can't you just come over when I'm not trying to sleep?"

"'Cause then I wouldn't get to see you all sleepy and adorable, of course."

Dean's grin made his cheeks redden, of course, because damn it he hated how Dean knew exactly how to charm him. Castiel grumbled out a few curses, most likely directed at Dean, before stepping to the side to let Dean in and closing the door behind him.

"Seriously, though, why the hell do you keep coming over at this time? I have work in the morning." Castiel led him to the living room again, already going to sit on the couch, because he knew that if Dean really wanted to stay for a while then he couldn't deny him. Dean of course just waved off his concerns.

"Just don't go to work tomorrow. It's not that good of a job anyway, is it? You could just quit."

"I'm not going to quit my job-the thing paying for all of this, you know-just because you want to visit at two in the fucking morning."

"Aw, hush hush. None of this stuff is too important anyway, right? You could keep the blankets-or, sorry, the _comforter._"

Castiel breathed out a sigh, and once Dean was sitting down, the raven-haired man let himself slump down on Dean, his head resting on his shoulder lazily.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm not quitting."

"If you say so, Cas." Dean replied with a little chuckle, a smile lighting his face.

The blue-eyed man let out another sigh. Yeah, the walls were crumbling quickly. The arm snaking around his shoulders didn't help repair them, and the colorful tablets taken out of Dean's pocket ensured their destruction.

"You trying to get me drunk?" Castiel inquired jokingly, taking a tablet and holding it up to inspect it. Not that he needed to, he knew exactly what it was and how much exactly he wanted to pop it into his mouth.

"Of course." Was Dean's equally as teasing answer, and after a moment of hesitation, the two put the tablets of ecstasy onto their tongues. 

* * *

"Do it-"

"5-4-3-2-"

"One more time!" Dean's loud, honestly obnoxious singing filled his ears, considering his mouth _was_ right by his face. They were sitting on the couch together, or rather, Dean was sitting on the couch and Castiel was on his lap, but you know, whatever. Both of them were giggling again, the radio was blaring music as they tried their best-or worst, maybe-to sing along with it.

"D-dean, my neighbors are going to throw their couch at me." He informed when he got a moment between giggles, though the words really just made no sense.

"Ow, huh? Sounds a bit ow."

"Yeah, much ow."

Castiel let himself relax after that, doing his best to breathe deeply and stop his giggling. Dean apparently did the same, as in a few minutes, both were silent and devoid of giggles, though goofy smiles remained on their faces, and Castiel wiggled a little in his place in order to get more comfortable on Dean's lap. They were both still fully clothed, of course, and it was just.. platonic. According to Dean anyway. Dean used to let Castiel sit in his lap anyway sometimes when they had lived in the shed-before Lilith, of course, but still.

"Ahh, but Dean, we really should turn it down."

Dean just gave another little giggle, clearly too high at the moment to really care about whatever Castiel said. So the raven-haired man just leaned forward towards the table, pressing the off-button on the radio before leaning back again against Dean's chest.

"Deaan, I'm so _tireddd_."

"Tired?"

Castiel nodded slowly, aware that it was rather odd to be tired after taking ecstasy, but hey, he was. Plus, it hadn't been very much ecstasy anyway, definitely not enough to give him too many effects. He was definitely tired though, and after a few minutes of waiting to see if Dean would get up or move around, he let himself relax against him again.

"Goodnight, Dean."

"G'night, Cas."

Both were fully aware that it was currently morning, and Castiel had an hour until he was late for work, but neither cared.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

"Dean, I can't lose this job! I need it! How the fuck do you expect me to get by if I lose it?" Castiel shouted from his bedroom, stripping off his clothes to replace them with newer ones. Dean made a noncommittal sound from the living room, loud enough for Castiel to hear and it only further frustrated him.

"Seriously, Dean!"

"Aw, come on. You made it by fine before you got the job, right? You could come back to the shed and live there again with us."

Castiel wasn't sure what part of Dean's suggestions made him the most infuriated. The fact that Dean thought selling his body was fine, that it was better than working at a diner and having an apartment of his own, that he didn't seem to even care, or the fact that he said _us._ Live there again with _us._

So yeah, Dean was apparently still living at the shed. So was Lilith.

Permanently?

"...Speaking of 'us,' how are things with Lilith?" He questioned, and after getting all of his clothes on, walked back out into the living room to see Dean still sitting on the couch. A smile spread across his face, and he gave a little shrug.

"Good. Um, really good."

Whatever was supposed to keep his heart from breaking wasn't as good.

"Cool."

Dean nodded, the smile lessening slightly as he looked up to Castiel, attention on him completely for the first time this morning.

"...Cas, I.. I know that you don't like Lilith, and I-"

"No, no, stop, Dean."

"No, Cas, I.. and I know _why_ you don't like her. Uh.. I just want you to know that."

Castiel shook his head vigorously, turning to walk away from the couch again and towards the bedroom, head hanging down now as he tried to hide his face. He heard the couch creak as Dean stood, following after him, and though Dean was the one he was trying to get away from, he was also the only one he sought comfort from. So he walked into the bedroom and let Dean follow, and when he collapsed on the bed, curled in on himself, and Dean laid down next to him and wrapped his arms around him, well he let himself cry. He buried his face in the crook of Dean's neck and cried, until his eyes were dry and his throat was sore from his sobs. Dean didn't say a word, for he knew that the rest of the conversation didn't need to be spoken.

However, after a while of silence and stillness, Castiel spoke up, his voice soft and quiet.

"...I love you, Dean."

The green-eyed man brought a hand up, trailing his fingers gently through Castiel's hair.

"...I know." 

* * *

Dean left the apartment after an hour or two more of simply laying there in silence, and Castiel could hear the door close quietly as the other man left. He closed his eyes, breathing out a sigh into the quiet, stillness of the room, and he moved to the place that Dean had been laying in an attempt to find the last of his warmth.

He didn't go to work the next day, or the next, or the next.. until finally he called in, and was met with the voice of his angry boss.

"Mr. Novak, where the _hell_ have you been?" He shouted through the receiver, and the corners of Castiel's lips curved upwards in a drug-induced smile.

"Heaven, lovey, and I'm going back."

He hung up the phone upon hearing his boss' angry shouts again, asking for an explanation, _why hadn't he been there, what did he mean, was he alright, he was totally fired,_ Castiel didn't give a damn about any of it really. He threw the cellphone across the room and at the wall, letting himself fall backwards onto his bed, the smile still gracing his features.

Oh, yes, he was going back to heaven. 

* * *

Moaning, that's what he could hear. Castiel tried to block it out, walking by the door of the old shed with his head held high. He was wearing his old gray shirt, black jacket, old pants. His hair was clean, though he figured after a while it couldn't keep that title. There still wasn't a shower, after all. He walked over to the place that he used to sit, the place that he'd been rained on, and he sat down, leaning against the wall of the shed as he closed his eyes.

It might be hard to sit here alone while Dean was inside, with Lilith. But he was okay, he decided, because Dean's presence was his heaven, whether the other man was aware of Castiel's own presence or not. 

* * *

Castiel grabbed a knife, turning his head a little to grin at Lilith, who happened to be glaring right at him from on the bed. He didn't look at her for long, though, finding that looking at her for a while made him sick, and instead looked to the orange he was now cutting up. For Dean, of course, who was currently outside sitting on the old lawnmower again.

"Oh, Lilith, don't make such an ugly face."

"Shut the fuck up, whore."

"Don't be a meaner, Lily. You're just jealous that Dean wanted _me_ to get him some oranges instead of you."

Castiel couldn't stop the grin on his face from widening at Lilith's groan of frustration.

"Do _not_ call me Lily. Okay, _Cassie?_"

The blue-eyed man set down the orange slices, picking up only one to fling it at Lilith's face. To his delight, it met it's mark, hitting her in the eye.

"Oh my fucking _god_-" Castiel picked up the rest of the slices and put them onto a paper plate, proceeding to walk outside and make his way over to the lawnmower on which Dean was seated. He still didn't know why Dean liked to sit there, but he wasn't really going to question it.

"Here," He held up the paper plate, and Dean took it with a bright smile, gaze going from the orange slices to Castiel, who mirrored the smile.

"Thanks, Cas. Sorry for making you get them, it's just.. it's so beautiful out here today, you know? I don't wanna go inside for a minute."

Castiel didn't exactly share Dean's appreciation for the outside world, instead more fond of things like comfy beds and warm blankets, but he nodded anyway.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

He could hear Dean snoring softly beside him, the man laying on his side under the blankets as the three of them slept. Not that they'd done anything besides literal sleeping, because god no, not with Lilith, who was on the other side of Dean. She was almost curled up to him, or really it looked like she was _trying_ to be curled up to him, though Dean was facing away from her, instead with his face towards Castiel, who was indeed curled up to him. He had buried his face in his neck and let the green-eyed man wrap his arms around him again, because well he didn't seem to mind even with Lilith here. Lilith would definitely mind, if she awoke and they were like this, but he wasn't going to give this up just because of a risk.

He might be okay with unrequited love, but he was not okay with the bitchy girlfriend trying to take away all of their bonding moments.

When he felt Dean shifting around slightly, Castiel furrowed his eyebrows, moving so that he was still cuddled up to him. He didn't really know what had awoken himself, but he had a killer headache, so he had a feeling that that had to do with it. Simply laying here with Dean made it seem better, though, and he was thankful for that.

He'd been living in the shed with them again for two years now. Every night, instead of singing karaoke or dancing around a fire and telling stories, they all got into the bed that Dean and Lilith had bought, and they went to sleep. During the day Dean and Lilith were often not home, Castiel figured that they were either off on dates or Lilith was at work, while Dean probably sat around the building and watched her. Castiel was back yet again to sex for money, because well, he had to have _some_ form of income to buy his drugs, and the diner certainly wouldn't take him back even if he wanted them to.

He was okay with living here again, loved it actually. It was everything that he'd missed. A lot of the shed smelled of Lilith, yes, but it also smelled of Dean, and even of himself, and that made it feel like home.

Castiel didn't fall asleep again, instead laying awake in Dean's arms as the other two slumbered on. His mind drifted from thought to thought, though none of it made much sense at the moment due to the pain from his headache. So he just pushed closer to Dean, as if trying to envelop himself in the other man's scent and let his warmth take his pain away.

In the morning, when he heard Lilith start to move around a bit more, he figured he should probably move away from Dean a bit. Lilith always got pissy whenever they were cuddled up, after all. He breathed out a sigh, pressing a soft kiss to Dean's neck before moving away completely, so that the other man's arms were touching him at all. And yeah, it was probably not very good of him to kiss Dean while he was asleep, even if it was just on the neck, but he'd been watching Dean and Lilith all over each other for maybe... four years now? His love for Dean didn't exactly lessen, and he figured that Dean wouldn't mind a little kiss anyway. After all, Dean had kissed _him_ two years ago. Obviously he didn't think it was cheating on Lilith or anything, or if he did, he must not care.

He couldn't see Lilith, considering Dean was blocking his sights, but he did see her arms snake around his waist, pulling him close for a few moments before she moved, getting off of the bed. Castiel's eyes followed her as she walked about the shed, grabbing an orange to cut it up. He himself just closed his eyes after that, moving a little closer to Dean again so that he could actually still feel his warmth.

The days went on and on, and Castiel didn't try to break the two up, didn't try to convince Dean that he was better for him or anything of the sort. He just lived with them, and cuddled with Dean when he could. And it was okay, it really was, and he could see himself living like this for the rest of his life. Sure, he'd much rather have Dean all to himself, and eventually he would have liked for Dean to develop mutual feelings of love for him as well, but.. well he couldn't have that. So he'd remain content with this, accepting that Dean didn't love him in that way, and that he was staying with Lilith.

Until the day that he didn't.  
It was sometime during the fall, and Castiel knew that the wind was blowing, that the leaves were loud outside as they flew about, but he couldn't hear anything above Dean and Lilith's shouts. They were angry, out to insult, and directed at each other. As much as he hated Lilith, and thought that she didn't deserve Dean and had no right to be with him, he didn't like this. He didn't like to see Dean like that, frustrated and angry and hurt.

He didn't even know what they were fighting about, he just knew that he wanted it to stop. Castiel stood, as he'd been sitting in his usual spot, and made his way around the little building, intent on going inside and calming the two down. Or, Dean, anyway. Lilith could stress herself out and go to hell for all he cared. So he opened the door, only to be met with a finger pointing his way, and Lilith's voice raising even more.

"See? There he is, coming to your rescue like the little fucking servant he is!"

"Shut the fuck up, Lilith, you're just jealous. Why are you so afraid of me cheating on you, huh? Is it because Cas is better than you and you know it?"

Castiel walked the rest of the way inside, going against his instincts as he did so and closing the door behind him. He remained silent, widened eyes fixated on the two.

"I am not going to stand here and be treated like this!" Came Lilith's whining shout.

"Then LEAVE, PLEASE. You're just a fucking waste of space anyway."

The words shocked both Lilith as well as Castiel, even if he found delight in the fact that he was actually saying that about Lilith. Because Dean wasn't.. well he never insulted anyone like that. He insulted people yeah, but it was always sarcastically, and half the time he didn't mean it. But there, it was spoken in a completely serious tone, and left a chill in his heart.

Lilith's jaw basically dropped, her mouth hanging open while her expression was that of a horrified, offended old woman. She walked across the shed, the sound of her high heels clicking on the old wood filling the silence. After putting her clothes into the suitcase that she'd brought them in, she turned back around, walking to the door and pushing Castiel out of her way.

"Fine, Dean. I'll leave. But you're going to regret this. I'm more than you could ever hope for."

With that she opened the door, walking out and slamming it closed behind her. Castiel's eyes remained on Dean as he heard her walk away, the sound of her shoes getting more distant each moment though Dean stayed still. He glared at the wall, his green eyes looking as though they could burn a hole through it.

Castiel took a deep breath, waiting another moment before he walked closer, reaching out to try to touch Dean's shoulder, though the other man jerked away. Dean was probably just as shocked as he when the green eyed man's fist collided with his face.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

The two stood in stunned silence for what seemed like forever, Castiel's head turned with his widened gaze fixed on the wall while Dean stared at him instead.

"D-... um, Dean.." He tried, though his voice decided to be uncooperative and break as he spoke. Dean remained silent, though his eyes did move, looking to the wall again before focusing on Castiel once more, the shock replaced by the anger once more, if Castiel was reading his expressions right.

"God, Cas, why did you have to walk in here?"

"W-what?" Castiel furrowed his eyebrows, looking thoroughly confused as he watched Dean shout. Why were the shouts turned on him, though? He hadn't done anything, he'd just walked in here and he had tried to reach out and help Dean. What was wrong with that?

"Just.. fuck. Just get out of here."

"But Dean-"

"GET OUT, CASTIEL." And when the back of Dean's hand slapped across his face, well he decided to take his instructions and follow them, quickly scrambling to get to the door and just get _out._ He didn't leave, though, like he probably should, instead he just went back to where he had been sitting, all the while shaking uselessly and just.. shocked. Because really, he understood that Dean was frustrated, angry with Lilith and with himself, at everything, but why did he have to get violent about it? Especially towards him, he hadn't done anything, had he?

He sat down and leaned against the shed, bringing his knees up to his chest and raising a hand to his cheek, which still stung from where he'd both been punched as well as slapped. And really, what was it with the whole hitting his_face?_ He could have at least hit his arm or something. If he got bruises from this like he figured he would, he wouldn't be able to attract the kind of clients that he'd like. Instead it would just be the more.. kinky ones, he guessed, which he disliked greatly. So yeah, this whole situation was just.. great.

Breathing out a sigh, Castiel let his eyes close, letting his hand fall to zip up his jacket. It was a bit cool out here, what with the wind picking up again and all, and he'd love nothing more than to just go back inside, cuddle up with Dean under the blankets, without having to worry about Lilith getting pissed off about it. Maybe Dean would be feeling a bit better tomorrow, and they could do just that. With that thought in mind, temporarily soothing his unease about this whole thing, he fell asleep. 

* * *

He awoke to a gentle tug to his hair, causing him to furrow his eyebrows in confusion, eyes still closed. Though at another tug they opened, his sleepy gaze landing on Dean, who stood in front of him with red-rimmed eyes. He let go of his hair upon noticing him awakening, and Castiel squinted his eyes a little before standing as well.

"Uh... s-sorry, Cas. I was just trying to wake you up. Uh, come on, let's go inside, yeah?" Dean's voice was shaky, eyes threatening to spill tears, and the man turned, walking around the shed, and Castiel heard the door open and close. He didn't understand that man at all, but still he followed, and the warmth provided by the walls was definitely welcomed. As was the hug that Dean pulled him into, even if he could hear Dean's sobs now, and could feel him practically crying on his shoulder.

"Shh, Dean, it's okay.. come on, just walk over here for me." Castiel walked over to the bed, leading Dean along with him and keeping him close. He made him sit down, then lay down completely, and Castiel pulled the blankets up over the green-eyed man. He got under them as well in a moment, reaching out and pulling Dean close to offer comfort.

"Don't cry about her Dean, she was a total bitch." This earned a little laugh from Dean, though the tears continued to fall and showed no signs of stopping.

"T-that she was, but that's no-not what I'm upset about right n-now." He brought his hands up, using them to wipe at his eyes in an attempt to rid himself of the tears. Afterwards he used them to grab Castiel's face, pulling his chin so that he looked at him.

"I'm s-so sorry, Cas. I didn't mean to hu-hurt you. I was just.. god, I'm so st-stupid."

Castiel shook his head slightly once Dean moved his hands away, simply moving closer.

"Don't worry about it. I'm okay, alright? You were just frustrated."

Dean remained silent after that, though he definitely didn't appear to believe Castiel's words at all. Castiel let him cry, murmuring soft words of comfort and just.. trying to keep him warm, and comfortable, and safe. Yeah, he just.. wanted him safe. Safe from Lilith and all the trouble and pain that she brought, safe from everything. And when Dean finally stopped crying, and his breathing was regular, Castiel stayed there with him, until both of them were asleep once more and neither were quite as upset, even if one had new pain and the other had old pain, to go with the bruise on his face created by the one he loved. 

* * *

"We really do need to figure out some type of shower, Dean. Your hair is god awful, and I'm not going to cuddle up with you if you don't do something about it." Castiel called, standing in the doorway of the shed and looking out at Dean, sitting atop the lawnmower, who was giggling at his words.

"Cas, it's not cuddling. I'm a grown man, I don't cuddle. But yeah, whatever, I'll stand out in the rain one day or something."

Castiel narrowed his eyes, glaring over at Dean.

"Nope, you have to wash it with shampoo. Conditioner too, if you can find it. Unscented for both."

"Whatever you say."

"I'm serious, Dean. Go rent a motel room and use the shower, then come back. I could give you the money."

It was Dean's turn to narrow his eyes now, though it was still clear that he was amused by all of this.

"Donating to my motel-room-fund?"

"It's for a good cause."

Dean simply rolled his eyes, a smirk playing on his lips as he got down off of the lawnmower, walking over to the doorway and taking Castiel's hand. It wasn't unusual for him to do that, the two were very touchy with each other typically. They weren't together, though, no, as far as Castiel knew Dean was still in love with Lilith or whatever, even if it had been months now since they broke up.

"Alright, alright. I'll rent a damn room. But you're coming with me, because your hair doesn't look too pleasant either. And before you ask, no, we don't have to shower at the same time."

The blue-eyed man stuck out his bottom lip in a fake pout-though honestly it probably wasn't too fake.

"Aww. Okay, though. I'll just go get some money for it."


	20. Chapter Twenty

It hadn't taken very long for them to find the money and find a motel, and now they were inside the room they'd rented, Castiel walking right over to practically throw himself on the bed with a happy sigh. Comfortable beds were something he absolutely loved, and even though this motel wasn't really a good one, this bed was lovely. Sure, the little bed at their shed was fine, but not really the same. The only thing that made him actually like it was the fact that he got to cuddle with Dean there.

He kicked off his shoes, taking off his jacket as well before going to get under all of the blankets. He wasn't going to sleep, but he wasn't getting in the shower yet, as they'd agreed that Dean would get to shower first. Which he was fine with, because hell yeah he'd take this chance for just getting to rest in a comfortable bed. Castiel closed his eyes, turning onto his side and just relaxing. He heard Dean walk into the bathroom, and soon enough the sound of the water running replaced the footsteps.

It wasn't very long before the water was shut off, though, and Castiel opened his eyes again, moving to sit up with a little yawn. Alright, he'd get up. When Dean walked out of the bathroom, hair still wet and fully clothed, Castiel stood, giving a nod to the other man before going into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and turning on the water for the shower. Afterwards he stripped down, stepping into the shower, and he couldn't help but smile, because well, once they got back to the shed they'd get to cuddle. And they'd both have nice, clean hair. Castiel washed his hair and rinsed off quickly, and once he was out and the water was turned off, he grabbed the towel from the rack, using it to dry his hair a bit before wrapping it around his waist. Man, he loved being clean.

He put on his clothes again before opening the door, still smiling to himself and well upon seeing the red tinge to Dean's cheeks when he looked at his messy hair it only widened. Hey, if Dean wanted to blush just about his hair being messy, he had no problems with it. Castiel walked out, still smirking a little as he put his shoes back on as well as pulling on his jacket.

"Ready to go?"

"Uh, yeah, let's go."

Once both of them were ready, they walked out of the room, and soon enough were on their way back to the forest to go back home. They walked close to one another, for both warmth as well as just for the closeness-in Castiel's case, anyway. As for Dean he really didn't know. Dean was just.. he'd always been confusing as hell, but lately even more so. He was clingy, more so than usually, and whenever they weren't doing something he'd just go and lay down in bed and wait for Castiel to climb in as well and cuddle with him. Castiel didn't mind, it was what he'd been wanting really, but it didn't feel right, it was all just.. off.

They made it back when the sun was just fading away completely behind the trees, turning the sky black and casting shadows over the world. He smiled as they neared the shed, reaching over and taking Dean's hand in his own as they walked the last few steps. He let go after that, of course, and went to go inside, taking off his shoes and jacket again before moving to pick up an apple. He didn't offer any to Dean, who followed him into the shed and closed the door, because well Dean hated apples. Castiel didn't really care for them either but he didn't mind them, so he ate the apple as he sat down on the creaky wooden floor, watching as Dean went to lay in bed as expected.

"Your hair looks nice," Castiel commented after a few minutes, as the only thing that had filled the silence was the sound of his chewing, and he didn't like that. He saw the corners of Dean's mouth curve up in a little smile, the man's eyes closed.

"Thanks. Yours isn't too shabby either."

The blue-eyed man had to roll his eyes at that.

"Not too shabby? I think it's a lot better than that. Have you smelled it?" He stood, setting the remnants of the apple down and walking over to the bed. He leaned down, so that.. well so that Dean could smell his hair if he wanted to. But instead, Dean reached out and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him down onto the bed and into his arms really. Which surprised Castiel quite a bit, but he didn't let it show, just smiled and relaxed against the other man, his back pressed up against Dean's chest.

Closing his own eyes, Castiel murmured, "Gotta admit it smells nice."

There were a few more moments of silence, before he felt Dean's chest rumble in a little laugh.

"Yeah, whatever, it smells nice. I'm going to sleep, Cas."

He gave a little nod, breathing out a content sigh.

"Goodnight, Dean."

-

The night was nice, exactly what he'd wished for, just laying in Dean's arms and eventually falling asleep to the sound of the other man's even breathing. He had to admit that he was really confused, all the time really, about... their relationship, because he just had no idea what was going on with it at all. Dean had always been touchy-feely with him, always going to hold his hand or cuddle up with him or something, of course, with the exception being when he was with Lilith. And then he'd actually kissed him, twice, but never even mentioned it again. So what the hell was going on? Maybe he was just his friend, still, and he was always this cuddly with his friends. Or maybe he was just a lonely person, and since he wasn't with Lilith, he felt the need to at least cuddle and hold hands and the like with _someone._

It wasn't like he wanted to believe that though, so he usually put the thought out of his mind.

The morning wasn't turning out as nice. When he awoke, he was still in Dean's arms, but after a bit he felt the other man move, getting up and out of the bed, and soon enough he heard the door open and close.

"The hell are you doing here?" Came Dean's hushed voice, and Castiel would like to think that he was being quiet just because he wanted to let him rest over here in peaceful silence, instead of the other option, being that Dean may just not want him to hear.

"Shut up, Dean," That was a woman's voice, breaking and sorrowful-but not Lilith, though somehow similar. It still held that venomous edge to it, even though it sounded pained.

"L-Lilith, she- sh-she-" There was a louder noise, and when Castiel cracked his eyes open a little, he saw a dark-haired woman crying in Dean's arms, who looked a bit upset but not nearly as much as whoever this woman was.

"She's dead, Dean, sh-she's.."

"Shh, it's okay. I understand."

Castiel closed his eyes completely again then, not liking the sight of Dean basically petting the woman's hair to comfort her as she cried.

"...Do you want some fruit? A drink?" Dean tried, his voice soft, and the woman moved a little to look up at him.

"N-no, I'm okay, I just.."

"She was your sister, I know. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, Ruby."

"Y-you're her boyfriend, it can't be th-that easy for you either."

Dean shifted a little, as if moving slightly away from this.. Ruby person.

"...Uh, ex-boyfriend, but yeah. I'm just.. shocked. I.."

A heavy sigh was heard throughout the shed, and in any other situation he would have thought it was a fake one. But that one, no, it seemed real enough.

"..We're, uh, going to b-be having a funeral the day after tomorrow, if yo-you'd like to come, Dean." Ruby offered, her hands going to slip around Dean's waist even as tears slipped from her eyes. And Dean didn't seem weirded out by it, he apparently didn't see this as uncommon even though Castiel had never seen this girl before now. Then again Dean never really shared anything with him anymore besides a bed.

"Of course I'll come, but first, can I.. uh, can I ask _how_ it happened?"

Ruby brought a hand up, using it to wipe a few tears from her cheeks before returning it to it's place around Dean's waist.

"She, um, she w-walked out in front of a car."

Dean gave a nod, and after that Ruby left, but of course not without pressing a kiss to Dean's cheek.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

Castiel couldn't hear anything else for the next few minutes besides the sound of Dean's breathing, but eventually he heard him walk over to the bed again, and suddenly he was tugging at Castiel's shirt, trying to get him to wake up. Due to the fact that he was already in fact awake, though, Castiel just opened his eyes, hand going to rest atop Dean's in an attempt to get him to let go of his shirt. Not that he really cared, but it was uncomfortable when he was laying down like this to have someone pulling on his shirt. It made it kind of hard to breathe, but Dean didn't let go.

Instead he pulled him up until he was sitting up, and Castiel furrowed his eyebrows in irritation though made no move to lay down again, just held himself up by his arms and waited for Dean to finally let go. Which, he did, but not completely, his arms going to wrap around Castiel waist yet now push him to lay down again, Dean going to basically straddle him, all the while moving to kiss him. And he did.

"Dean-" He tried, attempting to pull away from the kisses but not having much success. And yes, it was what he wanted, what he'd wanted for years now, but not like this, not when Dean most likely didn't even want him for him anyway. He just wanted someone to feel close to, because he'd broken up with Lilith, and now Lilith was dead. He wanted someone. But Castiel didn't want to be that someone, he didn't want to just be used because of his love for Dean.

He moved his own arms, trying to push up at Dean's chest. "Dean stop-"

"P- Please, De-" And after a few more moments, Dean _did_ stop, sitting up and staring down at Castiel with an almost angered expression.

"What?"

"You.. come on, y-you know that you don't want me, Dean. Not like that. I understand that you're upset, but Dean this isn't-"

"No, Cas, I... I'm.. I'm really sorry, I.." He shook his head slightly, breathing out a heavy sigh and moving off of Castiel, who simply watched Dean with concern. Dean moved to sit at the edge of the bed, head in his hands.

"I just... I don't know what to do. I really don't, Cas. She... she's dead, I.."

Castiel scooted across the bed to get closer, enveloping Dean in a hug.

"I know, I know. Shh, love, it's alright." He could hear his little sobs, could feel Dean's tears on his shoulder even through the material of his shirt once Dean turned to cry on his shoulder-literally. Eventually, though, the sobs subsided, and Dean seemed okay. Or, enough, at least.

"Will you.. w-will you go to the.. the um.. the funeral with me?"

Castiel wanted to roll his eyes so badly right now. If only he could. His hold around Dean loosened a little, but after a bit he nodded.

"Yeah, I'll go with you." 

* * *

Castiel had decided that Dean looked downright _hot_ in a suit. Where they got suits, he had no idea, but somehow they were both wearing them and Dean had insisted they go to a motel again and take showers. Had to look and smell fresh for a funeral after all. They were still at the motel actually, Castiel in the bathroom trying (and failing) to fix his hair while Dean was out sitting on the bed putting his shoes on. After a few more minutes of messing with his hair and kind of making it worse, Castiel gave up, breathing out a sigh as he left the bathroom and went out to sit on the bed next to Dean.

"...How are you doing?" He asked after a moment, his voice soft as he watched Dean sit up. His eyes were red, but he wasn't sure if that was due to drugs or crying. He turned his head, gaze falling on Castiel as he pondered over an answer.

"I'm good. Let's go, yeah?" Dean moved to stand, though Castiel caught his sleeve, pulling at it and apparently Dean got the message because he sat back down, his gaze cast on the floor.

"Do you miss her?"

"...No, I.. I don't."

"Why were you crying, then, Dean?"

Another few moments of silence, Dean letting out a heavy sigh and shaking his head.

"Because I _don't_ miss her. Cas, she was my girlfriend for like, two years or something. S-shouldn't I miss her a lot right now?"

The blue-eyed man stood then, letting go of Dean's sleeve and going to stand in front of him. He didn't stop touching him completely though, his hands going to take Dean's and simply hold them, blue gaze meeting Dean's green.

"Don't feel bad about not missing her, love. She was a total asshole to you, she may be dead but the past hasn't changed. Now, come on, let's go to that jackass' funeral." He let himself smile then, it only widening when Dean returned the gesture, however small and hesitant. Castiel stepped a bit away then, pulling Dean up and taking him along as he walked to and out of the door, and soon enough they were on their way to the funeral.

It wasn't anything like Castiel had expected, really. There was actually _people_there, crying about the fact that Lilith was dead. People that had _liked_ her, loved her even, and he didn't understand how people like that could exist. It wasn't like he'd be rude about anything, they were grieving after all, but he wouldn't exactly walk up to anyone and just start reminiscing about how lovely Lilith was. It was outside, the people a dark shadow parade looming around a newly dug grave. Ruby was there, unsurprisingly, looking down into the grave with tears running down her face. Castiel watched as she let the flowers in her hand fall into the ground, and afterwards she covered her face with her hands, turning away and leaning into some older woman, who appeared to be Lilith's mother.

Dean was at Castiel's side, his eyes red and it looked like tears were threatening to spill. He nudged his side gently to get his attention.

"You _can_ cry if you need to."

And with that simple sentence Dean nodded, and as if they'd been waiting for permission, the tears fell.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

It had been almost a year, now. A few days short of it, in fact Sunday was the anniversary of Lilith's death, and it was Friday now. Castiel wasn't sure how Dean was feeling about it, but he'd been more quiet recently, and more cuddly, so he assumed he was feeling down about it, at least, and needed comfort. He understood, even if he still claimed he didn't miss her he _had_ spent quite a bit of time with her after all and the like.

Eight months ago Castiel actually put everything out there, asked Dean what he actually meant to him and what he _wanted_ to mean to him. He'd been a nervous wreck before doing so, and the silence that followed his confession.. god it had been horrible. But the kiss afterwards was worth it, as was these past eight months of finally knowing where he stood with Dean, getting to kiss him and cuddle with him and know that he wasn't just doing it to have someone.

They had quite a bit more money now, as Dean had actually worked hard to get a job, and however little of a job it was, it was still something. Earning a little bit of money each week was better than none. Castiel still made money, sure, but he'd been doing less and less "work" as it just.. well it didn't feel right. It never had but now? He was in a relationship with Dean. And sure the money went to Dean's benefit as well but at the same time neither Dean nor himself liked _how_he went about getting the money.

Not to say that they had an apartment or something now, no they still lived in the shed, where Castiel hoped they'd be able to stay. He'd gotten Dean to fix up some of the holes in the walls and the ceiling, as rain always dripped onto him while he slept, and it definitely didn't help with the coldness. Of course the little bed combined with Dean's extra warmth helped but still.

Dean was inside right now, while Castiel was out leaning against the wall of the shed, smoking a cigarette. He was quite hungry though, so he'd have to go inside after a moment and cut up some fruit, and he could talk to Dean then, ask him how he was feeling about Sunday.

After putting out the cigarette, Castiel walked inside the shed, closing the door behind him and going to take off his jacket. Setting it down, he noticed Dean over on the bed laying down, his eyes following Castiel, and the raven haired man couldn't help but smile.

"Good morning, Dean."

Dean gave a slight nod, that being all he could manage as he was laying down.

"Morning Cas."

Castiel moved to pick up an orange as well as an apple, before deciding otherwise and instead just getting two oranges. He found the knife then, using it to cut up the oranges into slices and put them onto a paper plate. He moved to sit next to the bed, so that his head was about at the same place as Dean's, and leaned close to kiss him. It was kind of sideways, but whatever. He held up the plate of oranges then, and after Dean grabbed a few, he set it down, putting a slice into his mouth before leaning back against the bed.

"Dean.. Have you been feeling alright? I mean, I know you have, but.. about Lilith?"

Dean shrugged with one shoulder.

"..I guess. Just because it's nearing the day though.. don't worry about it."

Yeah, like he could do that. Castiel didn't say anything else about it though, not at the moment at least, and instead just continued eating oranges. 

* * *

A few hours later, Dean was still inside laying on the bed, so Castiel decided to try to get him to open up about his feelings a bit. Or try to get him to at least.

"Dean, are we going to her grave on Sunday?" Castiel questioned, looking over at Dean from where he sat on top of the little table. The green-eyed man lifted his head from the bed, turning to meet Castiel's gaze with his own sleepy one.

"Uh.. yeah, I guess so. Her family will probably be there earlier in the day, so.. we could go later."

"Alright. Do you want to bring flowers or something?"

Dean raised an eyebrow at that, shaking his head after a moment.

"Nah. Lilith hated flowers."

Castiel gave a nod, pushing himself off of the table and going to walk over to the bed. He leaned down, wrapping his arms around Dean to envelop him in a hug. After a moment or two he felt Dean return it, and he moved his head to place a kiss to Dean's forehead.

"Are you really okay though, Dean? You've been laying here all day."

"Yeah, Cas, I just.. yeah. Like I said, it's just.. almost been a year. It's surprising, honestly, it feels like.. well it feels like just yesterday she was still living here with me. Us. It was.. nice."

"And you claim to not miss her? Jeez, Dean. You're lucky you're a cutie patootie."

"Well, it's not that I miss _her_, but.. I liked having her here. I know you didn't like her Cas, but I.. I really did like her, you know?"

Castiel didn't nod, didn't respond, he knew that he didn't need to. Didn't want to, anyway. So he just pressed another kiss to Dean's forehead and gave him a little squeeze before letting go, then going to walk to the door and outside.

He leaned against the wall, reaching into his pocket and taking out both a cigarette and his lighter. After lighting the cigarette, he took a long drag, closing his eyes as he held the smoke in his lungs. He put the lighter back into his pocket, and let himself slump down, until he sat on the ground.

"You're really special, aren't you, Castiel." He spoke to himself, sarcasm dripping from his voice. He sat there until he finished off the cigarette, and even afterwards, eventually let himself fall asleep leaning against the wall. 

* * *

The next two days passed quickly, Dean still not doing much while Castiel tried and failed to get him to cheer up, and every time he failed, went out and smoked or got high. It was pathetic but it made him feel better anyway, and it wasn't like there was anyone to judge him.

Today, however, was Sunday, and Dean was up and ready to go.

"C'mon, Cas, we've gotta get there before dark!"

"My shoelaces were messed up, Dean! I can't walk all the way there with my shoelaces messed up."

"Whatever, just come on." Dean urged, frustration clear in his tone, and after sending him a glare Castiel did as told, walking past him and out the door. So far, Dean had been a total asshole today, rushing Castiel whenever possible and pointing out everything he did wrong. Castiel understood why, he was stressed out and it had been a year since Lilith's death after all. He couldn't blame him-but still, he didn't have to be so rude. He was jumpy and seemed to be really nervous about something as well, Castiel figured he was nervous about seeing the grave again.

They started their walk then, neither dressed up too fancy but not horribly either. The nicest t-shirts and jeans they had, really, and like they'd done at the funeral, they had taken out all of their piercings. Lilith had always been kind of iffy about piercings, not having any herself and always commenting something rude about Dean's and Castiel's, so they figured it wouldn't hurt to take them out for a day. Castiel didn't think that Lilith deserved the little gesture, but he didn't want to upset Dean anymore than he already was today.

"Do you think it'll actually be dark when we get there?" Castiel asked after a bit, eyes fixed on the ground in front of him as he walked.

"I don't know, Cas. Ask your damn shoelaces, yeah?"

The raven-haired man didn't say anything else after that, choosing to go the rest of the walk in silence as Dean apparently wanted it that way. 

* * *

They arrived at the graveyard around the time the sun was setting, and Castiel couldn't help but frown to himself when he noticed the pointed glares Dean sent his way. Yeah, it was a bit dark. What was wrong with that though? Besides the fact that.. oh, yeah they'd be walking home in the dark, he supposed. What, was Dean afraid of that? Castiel used to do it all the time, surely Dean had as well? He didn't let his mind dwell on this though, he'd think about it later when it was more relevant. At the moment they were almost to the grave, and Castiel didn't want to accidentally step on the ground or something and piss Dean off.

When they were actually there, and Dean looked down at the grave, it was like all of the anger melted away from his expression, replaced by an almost ghostly sadness, like he'd just been told he was actually dead. Castiel furrowed his eyebrows slightly, watching his boyfriend sniffle once before opening his mouth, closing it, then finally turning to Castiel. He spread out his arms, motioning for Dean to come closer and when he did, Castiel wrapped him in a hug, and he could hear little sobs after a moment, progressing to louder, more saddened cries.

"C-cas, I- Cas I j-just-"

"It's okay, Dean, shh just-"

"I-I love you Cas. I lo-love you so much a-and I.. I'm so t-t-terrible to you, god, I'm.."

Castiel shifted him then, so that he could see his face, and gave him a stern look, having to ignore the butterflies in his stomach at the moment caused by three of the words Dean had spoken.

"Shut up, no you're not. You might not always be the nicest of people but you get stressed out, okay? Everyone does. Don't worry."

Dean didn't seem to believe him, Castiel knew that he didn't, but he was quiet then, and Castiel turned them around so that they could leave. He didn't think staying here would be that great for Dean, and it was only getting darker.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

They walked home quickly, as Dean really didn't want to be out for very long in the dark, or at least that's what he said. Castiel wasn't really sure what was up with him. There was the stress and everything about Lilith, yes, but this.. it didn't really seem like it was just about Lilith. Not to him, at least, and he liked to think that he knew Dean rather well when it came to this kind of thing. He didn't press him for any answers though, if Dean wanted to tell him.. well, he would.

There was total darkness in the woods, so when they walked inside the shed, Castiel went straight to turn on the lantern. It didn't do much but it was something, and the moon was really bright tonight and it shone through the window a bit so that helped. Dean just stood in silent for a few moments, looking as though he was thinking something over.

"Hey, uh.. why don't we go build a fire?"

The question startled Castiel, caused him to whip around and stare at Dean in astonishment. Build a fire? They hadn't in.. years now he guessed. They'd stopped sometime before Castiel had moved out, and damn, that was a while ago. He'd missed the little tradition of theirs, so of course he'd like to start it up again, or at least just do it once.

"..Sure, of course. Right now?"

"Yeah. You go on and start collecting sticks, I'll be out in a minute."

Castiel nodded, smiling to his boyfriend a little before walking past him and out the door. He then set to collecting sticks, getting ones that looked like they'd be good for burning and a few bigger ones, so that the fire would actually stay burning for a little bit. He noticed Dean walk out soon enough, after he'd brought the sticks to the little fire pit they'd made so long ago. The green-eyed man made his way over, going to sit down on the ground about a foot away from the fire pit.

The raven-haired man lit the fire with his lighter, then sat down next to Dean, leaning against him to rest his head on his shoulder.

"...I really am sorry about how.. you know, horrible, I've been treating you. How I've always treated you, really, it's.. I'm an asshole, I know."

Castiel let out a little groan.

"Back to this? Dean, I already said it's alright. You're not an asshole. Well, yeah, you are sometimes, but not always, if you get what I mean."

"Please, Cas. Just.. I'm sorry."

"...What, are you looking for forgiveness?"

"...Kind of, yes."

"Not needed, Dean. But yeah, I forgive you, of course I do."

Dean wrapped an arm around Castiel's waist, seeming content with the answer.

"Thank you." 

* * *

They sat there by the fire for a little over an hour, before Dean spoke up yet again.

"We should go stargazing or whatever."

"_What?_"

"Stargazing. Or you know, whatever it was you said your brother used to do with you a lot. We could go lay in that field right around here."

"Just.. laying there?"

This got a little chuckle out of Dean, and he removed his arm from Castiel's waist.

"_Yes,_ Cas. I'm not trying to get you to have sex with me if that's what you're wondering."

Castiel seemed to debate this, eyes narrowing a little. Because yeah, laying and watching the stars with Dean would just.. well it would end this night perfectly. Maybe it hadn't started out so well, but it seemed like Dean was trying to make up for it. So he pushed himself up with another tiny groan, and after stretching his arms a little he went to try to put out the fire. It had burned to almost nothing already anyway, it didn't take much to put it out.

"Come on, then."

He caught Dean's smile and couldn't help but mirror the expression, watching his boyfriend stand as well. He let Dean lead him through the woods, until finally they came to the little field Dean mentioned, and after they were somewhere in the middle of it, they laid down.

And god was it wonderful, staring up at the open sky like this with all the stars and the moon shining down on them. The last time he'd done this had been with Gabriel, when he was probably.. around seven? It had been quite a while, he knew that. It had meant so much to him, getting to lay out and watch the stars with his older brother, who was typically a total asshole. It made him feel special, you know? Because yes Gabriel had been horrible and always played pranks, but he was also very sweet sometimes, and he couldn't have asked for a better brother.

Sometimes they'd talked while watching the stars, sometimes not. Often the conversations were along the lines of relationships or their parents, who had been total assholes as well. However they had _never_ been sweet, and he had been perfectly okay with it when they had disowned him. The only thing he hadn't been okay with was not getting to see Gabriel.

God, this was bringing up so many memories.

He felt Dean's hand touch his own, and so he closed the distance, entwining his fingers with Dean's.

"I love you, Cas."

"I love you too, Dean."

A tiny smile remained on his face, and he gave Dean's hand a little squeeze.


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

"Aw, Dean, come on. We need to go back, I'm starving."

He tugged Dean's hand gently, staring down at him as he was pretty much straddling him at the moment, smiling at his boyfriend. They'd fallen asleep in the field, which honestly he might have loved that even more than sleeping in the bed. He had a horrible headache right now, in fact it was probably one of the worst that he'd had, but that was another reason why he was trying to get Dean to just go already, because he wanted to get back home to just lay in bed all day.

"Wake upp, Deann,"

Castiel leaned down, placing little kisses to Dean's cheeks and finally to his lips.

"What about 'Awaken, my dear loved one'?"

He himself had probably woken up around four hours ago, but he was getting really hungry right now so he figured it was time to go.

"Or just 'wake up,' I suppose."

This wasn't going as well as he'd hoped but he was working on it. After all he'd kept really quiet with all of his statements, asking him to get up so they could just go to the freaking shed and eat already. Then maybe cuddle.

"I'll drag you there, I swear."

Okay so he didn't end up dragging him, but he did carry him, because his head was just hurting too much right now to stay there for much longer. He made it back to the shed quick enough, and after setting Dean down on the bed and under the blankets, he went to cut up an orange. He put the slices on a paper plate, and after eating a few, he set the plate down on the table where he figured Dean could see it when he awoke. Then he looked around the shed for a pen, and after finding one, he wrote on a little piece of paper,

_I'll be home soon._

He didn't want Dean to think he ran away after all. Afterwards he left the shed, because yes he had said he wanted to go back because his head was hurting, but he needed some more medication, okay? He'd noticed they were out once he got back, and that wasn't okay.

So he went out and bought some painkillers, the trip taking quite a bit longer than usual due to the fact that his head just hurt so badly and he had had trouble locating the store as well as walking straight. When he came home maybe three hours later and saw the orange slices still on the table he frowned, eyes sliding to Dean instead, his sleeping form still under the blankets. There was still wetness around his mouth, glinting in the light that shone through the window, and the pill bottle from his pocket had fallen out and onto the floor.

He supposed it was time to stop denying it now.


	25. The End

Today was a day like any other, Castiel was wearing his black hoodie and his jeans, walking around in some local park. It was a nice place, really, with an abundance of green and colorful flowers, then off to one side there were things for children, like a swingset and such. Occasionally, he went over there and got on one of the swings, but that was rare. It was only if there was no one over there, and typically? That part of the park was packed. He stuck around the other side, sitting on the benches or leaning against trees. Today he was sitting down, leaned against a tree, a headache piercing his mind and smoke blowing out through his nose. He figured that smoking probably didn't help his headache, but in a way, it did.

He opened his set of deep blue eyes, his gaze landing on a family of four. There was a woman, with shoulder length brown hair, two children that looked a bit like her and the man, who he recognized as Dean.

He let himself smile, and it made him wonder if it had all been a dream.


End file.
